The Giants and the Monkey Paw

Obvious? Maybe. But that hasn't stopped me before!

The Giants' clubhouse before a game. Players and coaches are getting ready, laughing, talking. Manager Bruce Bochy comes in with a box.

Sergio Romo: What's that, skip?

Bruce Bochy: It's a package. Think it was supposed to go to my neighbor. I'm always getting his mail. 

Romo opens the box. Bochy mumbles something and wanders off.

Romo: Whoa. Dude. It's a gnarled old monkey paw.

Jeremy Affeldt: No way.

Matt Cain: Careful with that.

Romo: No, man, you're supposed to make wishes on that thing. I totally saw that on a show once.

Cain: Yeah, but the wishes end up all twisted and freaky. It's from the "Twilight Zone."

Aaron Rowand: Screw that. I'm a wish something.

Rowand closes his eyes

Rowand: I want people to notice me when I'm hitting. I want them to stop whatever they're doing, elbow their friends, and say, "Hey. Aaron Rowand is up. Check this out."

One of the monkey paw fingers curls up

Romo: Awesome.

Barry Zito: I'll try. Let's see. I don't want anyone to think about my contract anymore when I'm pitching.

A second monkey paw finger curls up

Romo: Cooooool.

Brandon Belt politely takes the paw from Zito.

Brandon Belt: Okay, when Skip told me I was called up for the first time, I felt something I'd never felt before. A rush of endorphins, a feeling of pride ... it was amazing. I want to have that feeling again and again. I just want to relive and repeat that moment forever.

A third monkey paw finger curls up

Belt: I don't know if anything is happening.

Brian Wilson: This paw is no stranger to mystery and danger. I can tell by its calm demeanor and silent whispers. Okay, monkey paw friend, I would like my assassin feet to be ever silent when I'm saving the world from your monkey assassin friends.

The monkey paw looks confused at first, then sort of bored

Romo: How can a monkey paw look confused then bored?

Zito: Don't know, but there it was.

A fourth monkey paw finger curls up

Tim Lincecum: Hey, I want a Red Bull.

A Red Bull appears in his hands. The last monkey paw finger curls up

Lincecum: Whoa. Sweet.

Brian Sabean: What's going on, fellas?

Romo: This monkey paw was giving out wishes and everything.

Sabean: Oh, no. I was too late. I would have wished for a World Series victory. A thrilling, magical World Series victory. Just one. I don't care if it doesn't get me respect. I don't care if it's followed by a horrific, injury-filled year. I don't care. We came so close last year. If Guillen catches that ball in Game Seven ... we came so, so close. I just want to win it all once.

The middle monkey paw finger uncurls. A light flashes. Sabean is now in a clubhouse chair. Everyone else is going about their business.

Romo: Hey, man. What are you doing?

Sabean: Where did the monkey paw go? I asked for just one World Series title.

Romo: Monkey paw? That thing's been gone for months.

Rowand: And we did win the World Series. We beat Cliff Lee and everything. Well, I use "we," loosely, but you know what I mean.

Sabean: But I don't remember it. Last year?

Zito: Yeah, but you cursed us all. That paw was cursed. I didn't want people to think about my contract when I pitched, and now I can't pitch because I'm hurt.

Belt: You keep sending me back to the minors so I can get recalled over and over again.

Lincecum: I drank a Red Bull and couldn't fall asleep a couple of months ago. It was horrible.

Wilson: I can't throw a strike. I'm pretty sure the paw did that as an affront to my own assassin powers.

Rowand: I can't stop doing this:

 

Rowand: I try and I try, but I can't stop doing this every time I hit. It's driving me insane.

Cain: Also, every ******* player on the ******* team is ******* injured all to **** right now.

Sabean: But we won the World Series?

Affeldt: Yeah. It was pretty awesome.

Romo: Totally awesome.

Sabean sits down and starts to daydream. He can't remember the last year ... but he's strangely content. A smile creeps over his face. He opens his eyes, with his face bright and cheery. A clubhouse attendant walks buy. Sabean furrows his brow and looks at him.

Sabean: Why does that guy have a golden dong on the back of his hat?

Fin