Just when you thought it was safe to go back on the internet...
It's Friday night, I'm subbing for Grant, and writing a post-game thread on a Matt Cain performance. That was exactly the situation the first time I subbed for Grant, way back in aught-five, when Saint Matthew spun his first real gem as a big leaguer. Tonight was just like that, except not.
I tried to think of something funny to post in an attempt to take your minds off this game, and all the games which preceded it, but I literally could not think of anything. If I was a better writer I could draw an analogy between my writing ability and the Giants hitting ability, but if I could do that, it would be entertaining, and that wouldn't really fit with what we all just saw.
Instead, I have the perfunctory stream of consciousness crap I usually spew. No need to hide your disappointment, it's something I've grown to accept.
From 1987-1990, my mom bought your truly the same birthday present every year -- a pair of 20 game plans worth of Giants tickets. I'd take along a friend to watch the likes of Will Clark and Kevin Mitchell swat the ball around the yard, and hope the Giants could muster enough pitching to hold off the opposition. My, how times have changed.
In 1989, while Matt Williams was struggling through his 3rd straight partial season of hitting around .200 and striking out all the time, my friends and I came up with a game to entertain us during his at-bats -- predict how he would strike out. Not if. How. My go-to prediction was always "Four pitches, no contact". I won a lot.
The point is, you could now play a similar game for most Giants hitters (read: all Giants hitters except Pablo) when they come up with a man on 3rd with less than 2 outs. Or when they come up with a man in scoring position and 2 outs. Or just a man in scoring position. Or anytime, really. The point is they are a motley crew of suck. World champions hacking at slop nightly. It's hard to watch. Unless you're a pop-up fetishist. Then you're in heaven.
Bullet points (Not Bulleit -- Grant may value those endorsement dollars, but I aint no sellout, so get the hell out. Besides, I'm a vodka man):
- It's always nice to see good ol'
Joe Robbie ProPlayer L andShark Dolphins Sonny Crockett Stadium, isn't it? It's home to so many pleasant Giants memories. It's like watching my Giants fandom flash before me eyes -- I see Dante Powell, and Jose Cruz Jr., and J.T. Snow, and... Florida is where magical Giants seasons (and Jews) go to die.
- Sure, it sucks to always lose to Florida, but if you've got a heart you have to feel good for those long-suffering die-hard Marlins fans, don't you?
- I know Elton John said "Sorry seems to be the hardest word", but "Cabrera, Rowand and Whiteside are due up" sure ain't easy.
- If I was to rap about the Marlins, one line would "Can't hit the stuff of Ricky Nolasco, got more bite than the sauce called Tobasco". (I should probably mention I'm an not an expert rapper. Yet.)
- I could write something about that catch in the 9th inning, but I won't. You can thank me later.
- Let's see, what else is there? Oh yeah... LOUIE is the best show on TV, and anyone who disagrees is a troglodyte. Discuss. Or don't. See if I care. SPOILER ALERT: I do.