It's 11:09 p.m.. There is Maker's Mark in the general area because the fruitcakes at Bulleit refuse to sponsor me.. I'm sitting down to watch the game. I've avoided the score all night -- can't even go on my own site because of the line score at the top -- and that's not easy to do. So I'll un-live blog the game.
You know the score, so you'll know if I get to the fifth inning and throw my computer through the window. Think of this like a Twitter stream, but it's just me, and it's even more annoying.
Top 1 - Okay, so I watched the first three innings before I left for the night, so this isn't a true start-to-finish not-live blog. But I can say with absolute certainty that I would have fast-forwarded past Rowand's at-bat. And then at 3x speed, I would have seen Rowand standing on second, and I would have thought, dang, serves me right.
Then I would have had to rewind the game back to the at-bat, and then I'd see Magglio Ordonez with his shoelaces tied together, with the shoelaces tied to a fire hose, and the fire hose tied to a team of oxen running in the opposite direction, and then I'd watch Rowand's dinky ploop-floo nestle gently into the grass, and that would irritate me.
Like, I would have felt bad for doubting Rowand, but it turned out that Magglio's defense was worse than Rowand's ability to make hard contact, so then I would have felt stupid for feeling bad..
Luckily, I saw it live, so I just got to laugh at Rowand. And Magglio. Especially Magglio.
Bottom 3 - As good as Casper Wells' arm is, he bunts like I picture John Waters would bunt if John Waters were inclined to bunt against a major league pitcher.
Bottom 3 - I think Brandon Crawford can hit .200/.280/.340 just as easily as Tejada can, but only one of them is a good fielder. I don't even see how it's a debate.
Top 4 - Brad Penny is a galoot.
Top 4 - It's weird that he was a Giant, but it's even weirder that he was drafted by the Diamondbacks. His low-A/high-A numbers were otherworldly. Can't remember for whom he was traded, and I'm scared to go on the internet because I'd screw this up.
edit: lol Matt Mantei, though it'd be funnier if the Diamondbacks didn't win a World Series a couple years later. Also, Cal League numbers for Penny: 164 innings, 35 BB, 204 strikeouts as a 20-year-old. Cripes.
Top 4 - Though I usually just smile and nod when Krukow says a guy is swinging a hot bat, using a foul liner to make his case, I believe it with Schierholtz. He's in a good stretch. On a related topic, Austin Jackson seems like he's the greatest defender in the history of history. I picture going to FanGraphs and finding out his UZR is -Q.54 and losing faith in the sciences.
Top 4 - Crawford can't hit, but he's not a hacker. I can almost see him figuring things out when he's 27 or so. Good patience, considering he can't really hit yet.
Top 4 - Bill Hall! With a runner in scoring position! I can't wait to see how this turns out! . . . . It's 1-2 now! . . . .Hey, weak grounder, but to the left side. Progress.
Bottom 4 - Tyler Walker's finest moment was replayed on CSN. Man, that really was fantastic. And, man, could that guy sweat. He was like a malfunctioning desalination plant.
Bottom 4 - Jhonny Peralta just missed a homer. It was well-struck, but not enough. At the old Comerica, before the fences were moved in, it wouldn't have made the warning track. Wouldn't have come within 25 feet of a home run. Yet with the new dimensions, Comerica still feels like a totally fair park. Fair, but not ridiculous. They should send some pamphlets to the Padres' front office.
Top 5 - Rowand hit a solid single. That's not funny.
Top 5 - After Sandoval can't catch up to a fastball, he ropes an 0-2 pitch for a double. An 0-2 curve that's within six feet of the plate. Is this the first season that Alex Avila has followed? Is he from Norway? What kind of pitch was that? Bounce it or throw it above his eyes. We'll take the charity.
Also of note: they have Trader Joe's in Michigan. I like the dark chocolate-covered pretzels, the wasabi peas, and the bourbon. Also, the everything else. Why is that store so good?
Top 5 - Huff hits a sharp ground ball into an exaggerated defensive shift. Oh, that's just what he needs -- teams finding out they can go into an extreme shift and take more hits away. Swell.
Bottom 5 - That's odd. The score is 1-0.
Bottom 5 - Love watching Madison Bumgarner pitch. He's like Tom Glavine with better stuff. I'm not saying Bumgarner's going to win 300 games because that would be ridiculous. I'm thinking 275, tops. Also, he'll do it without that weenie Glavine strike zone.
This assumes he's traded to a team with a real offense and gets more than four wins per season.
Bottom 5 - If I go to Brandon Inge's Baseball-Reference page and his #1 comp isn't Pedro Feliz, I'm boycotting.
Bottom 5 - Okay, he's the #6 comp. I can't stay mad at you, BB-Ref. <3
Top 6 - Another good at-bat from Crawford. I mean, he grounded out weakly, but he took a bunch of tough pitches. That's a say is that Bill Hall grounding out with a runner in scoring position to end the inning? Well, I'll be.
Bottom 6 - Austin Jackson gets a single on a 3-3 count and then steals second with no outs. Sweet.
Bottom 6 - hahahahaha Casper Wells is trying to bunt again!!!! He looks like his trying to bunt with his girlfriend's dachshund instead of his bat, and his manager is in one corner saying, "YOU'D BETTER GET THAT BUNT DOWN" and his girlfriend is like, "No! Herr Wriggles!" and Wells is totally conflicted so he just acts like an idiot and satisfies no one. Then he strikes out. Good. Never try to bunt again, Wells.
Bottom 6 - Oh, right. Chris Stewart can throw. We thought you got our text, Tigers. That inning went from runner-on-second-no-outs to over in .53 seconds.
Top 7 - Any manager who lets his pitcher stay in after a four-pitch walk to Manny Burriss should be fired.
Top 7 - Jim Leyland is 66 years old. Harrison Ford is 68.
Top 7 - Here's a snippet from Harrison Ford's Wikipedia page:
Ford was at the bottom of the hiring list, having offended Jerry Tokovsky after he played a bellboy in the feature and was told by Tokovsky, that Tony Curtis delivered a bag of groceries, he did it like a star. Ford felt his job was act like a bellboy
It's even funnier if you add "Darren"s to all the "Ford"s.
At this point, if you're still reading, you're a trooper. This is the equivalent of the Screaming Trees torrent I downloaded last year -- it was comprehensive to the point of being ridiculous. It had a bunch of random B-sides and soundtracks included, and I was like, man, who would really listen to this crap? The answer is you. You, right now, are listening to that crap, except it's me and not the Screaming Trees.
Bottom 7 - Oh. Miguel Cabrera. I forget that he's on the Tigers. Miguel Cabrera is good. I tweeted earlier that the Marlins would have been better off if they had just taken a straight-up Matt Downs offer for Cabrera over what they ended up with. That's just painful.
Bottom 7 - Gurfh. Beautiful slider from Bumgarner, but a futzed play from Stewart/Huff to let Martinez to second. That's alright. The offense makes up for the defensive flubs.
Bottom 7 - Madison Bumgarner. Oh, man. When he was putting up video-game numbers in A and AA, this is what I pictured. So good.
Top 8 - Crawford with a walk. I hope he can figure out how to hit, because he's 4/5ths of a fantastic player, with that last fifth being the most important part.
Bottom 8 - Oh. Bumgarner still. This seems like a patented, one-runner-on-and-you're-gone Bochy move. Always a good gag.
Bottom 8 - One pitch, one out. Alex Avila is probably going to be an All-Star, but that was awful.
Bottom 8 - Ffffffffffffffff. How was that not a stike? Fffffffffffffffff. edit: shut up lasers. It was a strike. Just shut up.
Bottom 8 - Bumgarner leaves. So good. So good. He'd better get the win.
Bottom 8 - Romo! He'll do really well for one batter before he leaves. Should be interesting!
Bottom 8 - Oh, dammit, I was just kidding. Sergio Romo can pitch against lefties. Sergio Romo can pitch against lefties. Javier Lopez isn't magic.
Bottom 8 - Sergio Romo can pitch against lefties. Javier Lopez isn't magic. Sergio Romo can pitch against lefties. Javier Lopez isn't magic. Sergio Romo can pitch against lefties. Javier Lopez isn't magic. Nice 0-2 pitch, Javy. You're still cool, and I'm glad you're a Giant, but nice 0-2 pitch.
Bottom 8 - Brian Wilson scares me.
Bottom 8 - That's why! Nice. Madison Bumgarner remains 4-9. That's because HE'S OBVIOUSLY TERRIBLE. Loses more than twice as much as he wins durrrrrrrr. Nice hanging slider, Wilson.
Bottom 8 - Not sure how Cabrera didn't hit a walk-off homer in the eighth inning, but I'll take it.
Top 9 - Valverde is like Eric Gagne, but with less charm.
Top 9 - Chris Stewart! If he could even hit .250/.310/.390, he'd be a national hero. And Rowand should just bunt here.
Top 9 - Unless Rowand can shatter his bat in a bakrillion pieces and get a hit! Just like he drew it up. That man has three hits today. Two were garbage. But, hey, hits!
Top 9 - Burriss should just stand in the back of the batter's box and try for a catcher's interference call. Every time. Really work at it.
Top 9 - So that's what I'd look like hitting against a major league closer. Now I know. Thanks, Manny!
Top 9 - Pandapandapandapandapandapandapandapandapandapandapandapanda
Top 9 - Also, Panda.
Top 9 - Why isn't Austin Jackson in center? Why did Andy Dirks pinch hit? Who is Andy Dirks?
Top 9 - Schierholtz! So patient! So measured! If he could do anything resembling his year-in, year-out projections from PECOTA or ZiPS, he'd be a fantastic player. It's at-bats like that that give me hope.
Top 9 - Crawford! Love his eye. Really hope he can find his swing. He'd be the Nate Schierholtz of shortstops if they could both hit a bit. Also, Brayan Villareal is built like -- and dances like -- a guy who comes out in a Hollywood fight scene and flipper-flaps nunchucks around to scare the protagonist. Good effort. Ball four.
Top 9 - Apropos of nothing, Comerica seems like a really cool park. Underrated.
Top 9 - Bill Hall steps to the plate. The count is already 0-2. He asks the ump if that's accurate. Ump says yes. Play resumes.
Bottom 9 - Right. Wilson. Three more outs.
Bottom 9 - First pitch: belt-high cutter for a called strike. Try harder.
Bottom 9 - Tigers' hitters after getting to a two-strike count tonight: .588/.966/.969. Dang.
Bottom 9 - Bloooooooop. Can't blame Wilson for that.
Bottom 9 - Ryan Raburn is the Tejada of Rayburns. He shouldn't. He couldn't.
Bottom 9 - He almost did. Still a fan of Crawford with everything he does, except when he puts the ball in play.
Bottom 9 - Nibble nibble nibble nibble nibble. Looove when Wilson nibbles. Terrible walk.
Bottom 9 - Inge. Remember, this is basically Pedro Feliz.
Bottom 9 - Pedro Feliz reaches out and dumps a single to left. Cripes. This is madness.
Bottom 9 - Wilson acting like a freak in the dugout. He should do this more. It's pretty funny. And, you know what? I've done things like that. Maybe not tonight, but I've thrown things around after a bad game, and I'm just a dork on my couch, mostly adrenaline-free. If this is a weekly occurrence, it'll get old. But once a season? I can dig it.
Bottom 9 - I'm a gonna wait a second before I post something.
Bottom 9 - GODDAMMIT FUCKING BURRISS WHAT THE FUCK WORST PLAYER IN ORGANIZED BASEBALL SHIT ASS FUCK
Bottom 9 - I'm of the mind that Manny Burriss should have made that play instead of committing an error.
Bottom 9 - hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Bottom 9 - WHOOOOOOOOOP WHOOOOOP
Bottom 9 - IT'S THE WAY THEY ROLL, SMOOTH. IT'S THE WAY THEY ROLL.
Bottom 9 - Thought that was a single off the bat. You did too. Just another herhahherhahherhah laugher.
Pour a little out for Madison's should-be win. Drink the rest for the actual win. If you've made it this far, I pity you. Really didn't think it would go half this long. But when it's a regular-season game against the Tigers, there's no short-changing the recaps.