What I was trying to ape was the something like Grantland's oral history of the National, but I think I failed. Well, too late to write something else! This is the oral history of the vicious, epic rivalry between the San Francisco Giants and Minnesota Twins. The two teams have played two series, with each team winning three and losing three, and no one's life every really being the same. This is certainly not the kind of series that makes you think, "Really, interleague play? This is what you have to offer?" Nope. Not at all.
And now, on to the oral history of baseball's greatest rivalry:
Damian Moss - The time I gave up six earned runs to the Twins reminds me of the multiple times I gave up six earned runs to other teams. Those are the kinds of games that make you want to crawl right into your mother’s pouch and hide.
Joe Mays - It was neat to play the Giants after growing up, hearing my uncle’s stories and feeling like I was a part of the franchise. I looked forward to this game.
Johan Santana - I gave up a single to Neifi Perez when I came in the game as a reliever. I remember the pitch I threw -- a split-fingered temporal anomaly. It just kind of hung in the zone, disrupting space and time. Rick (Anderson, pitching coach) gave me hell for that, and I don’t think I ever threw one again.
Joe Mays - Then I found out that my uncle wasn’t really the Willie Mays, and he never even played baseball. He wasn’t even my uncle -- just some guy who would wander by when we forgot to lock the gate to our backyard.
Damian Moss - And so I said, "That’s not a rosin bag ... this is a rosin bag" with an exaggerated accent. Everyone laughed the first six times.
Joe Mays - I found this all out last year, well after I retired. This explains why there wasn’t some sort of ceremony for me and my uncle when I was there. Later that week, I found out I was white.
Felipe Alou - I remember this game as if it were yesterday. It was the one where I warmed up a bunch of relievers for no reason while I looked like I’d rather be somewhere else.
A.J. Pierzynski - You know how when you look at a map of the world, and Pangea just makes sense? Like, South America just looks like it fits into Africa? That’s kind of how it was when I saw Stan Conte’s crotch. I looked at it, looked at my knee ... and it just fit. I don’t believe in destiny, but I saw something magical that day.
Barry Bonds - Wait, you want me to remember something about the time I won a game in the ninth? Narrow it down, junior.
Jerome Williams - LaTroy Hawkins gave up a double to Richie (Auilia), and I remember thinking, man, this guy suuuuucks. Fastballs, string-straight, right down the middle. I should have just retired after the trade. That was nature’s way of telling me to retire.
Jim Brower - I pitched three innings that game.
Felipe Alou - I hated Jim Brower.
Jim Brower - Not sure why I threw three innings, really.
Felipe Alou - Smug punk.
Jim Brower - I mean, the rest of the bullpen wasn’t tired.
Felipe Alou - Didn’t win a World Series, but I did grind Jim Brower down into a fine powder.
Jim Brower - That was a fun season!
Felipe Alou - He looked just like Jim Duffalo, and that guy never gave back the book I lent him in '63. So screw Duffalo, and screw Brower.
Jesse Foppert - That was one of my last games in the majors.
Brian Sabean - I looked at Dick Tidrow after smoke started coming from Foppert's elbow, and said, "Well, there goes our last hope."
Jesse Foppert - I remember after the surgery, Felipe had me warm up a couple of times, just in case. I don't think that helped.
Brian Sabean - And Tidrow looked at me and said, "No. There is another."
The Gremlin That Lives Inside Noah Lowry's Arm - Groarrrwwwwlwllwwwl!
Scott Munter - Mmph.
The Gremlin That Lives Inside Noah Lowry's Arm - Grrgghwwwwlwllwwwl!
Scott Munter - grunt
The Gremlin That Lives Inside Noah Lowry's Arm - chomping sounds
Scott Munter - mumble
The Gremlin That Lives Inside Noah Lowry's Arm - chomping sounds
Scott Munter - sinker
Adam Shabala - You want to talk about what?
Jeff Fassero - This game reminds me of pudding.
Adam Shabala - Yeah, you have the wrong guy. I never played baseball.
Jeff Fassero - Wednesday is pudding day.
Adam Shabala - Certainly not at the major-league level.
Jeff Fassero - Pudding hurts my teeth.
Adam Shabala - No, wrong guy. Let's see, I was in the Peace Corps in 2003 ... I spent most of 2004 working on the rubber plantation ... but in 2005 I was ... uh ... wait, maybe I did start that game.
Jeff Fassero - Don't you get it? I'M OLD.
Adam Shabala - Well, I'll be.
Jeff Fassero - JACK MCKEON JOKE
Felipe Alou - I REMEMBER JACK MCKEON'S FIRST GAME IN THE BIG LEAGUES, THE LITTLE SCAMP
Jeff Fassero - LOL
Felipe Alou - I WAS TOLD THERE WAS PUDDING?