The mission was obvious: Go for the sweep! To accomplish this, the Giants’ fearless field general needed to assemble a crack squad that was up to the task. He went through his regiment and cobbled together the following:
- Aaron Rowand -- Code name: Squats -- a rough-and-tumble veteran with a head of steel and a heart of gold. He’s always around to defuse the enemy explosives or break a wall with his face. Also, he can’t hit.
- Manny Burriss -- Code name: Squibs -- a jittery fellow whose nervous tic is weakly swatting at flies that never seem to travel too far from him. Also, he can’t hit.
- Mike Fontenot -- Code name: The Superstar -- the rock star, the guy with all the medals who knows he’s better than everyone else, but still sticks around to offer a helping hand. He can kind of hit this week!
- Aubrey Huff -- Code name: Captain Upright -- a bit of a wild-card, he traipses around in women’s undergarments when things get tough. Also, he can’t hit.
- Nate Schierholtz -- Code name: Cannon De Pokey -- the strongest and fastest member of the team, he prefers to write poetry and ballads instead of use those physical tools. Also, he can’t hit.
- Cody Ross -- Code name: Grins -- a lovable scamp who is best when faced with an impossible mission, but is sort of useless for the other 11 months of the year. Also, he can’t hit.
- Miguel Tejada -- Code name: Betamax -- some guy who was asked to peel potatoes for supper but is instead hanging out in the corner, mixing bottles of bleach and ammonia. Also, he can’t hit.
- Eli Whiteside -- Code name: The Grey Ghost -- a mystery wrapped inside of a riddle covered with enigma sauce, no one knows a thing about him because he has never been noticed by anyone in his entire life. People aren’t sure if he exists at all. Also, he can’t hit.
- Jonathan O. Sanchez -- Code name: Brainless and Frustrating Left-Handed Pitcher for the San Francisco Giants -- even though this is supposed to be a war-movie spoof, Sanchez is the kid in Little League who plays right field because the coach doesn’t know where else to put him, and he’s always in danger of getting hit in the head by a line drive because he’s screwing around with dandelions instead of paying attention to the damned baseball game. He’s probably the best hitter of the bunch.
With this crack squad going, how could Bruce Bochy not secure the sweep? It would be impossible! This team was carefully assembled -- hand-picked by a master tactician. Sweep! Sweep! Sweep! The only way they’d fail is if they totally stunk.
Whoooooooooops! That’s exactly what happened! Actually, I’ll give them credit for making it interesting in the ninth. There were some good at-bats mixed in there, even from Tejada. Kind of. But my favorite moment of the season so far is Burriss getting thrown out trying to steal with two outs in the eighth, down by three runs. That was stupid enough to erase the picture I have with the World Series trophy, "Back to the Future"-style.