The Giants’ offense would let you hit from the red tee box. The pitchers would hit from the blacks, and the Giants’ offense is just there to drink beer, but they’d be very vocal about letting you hit from the red tee box.
The Giants’ offense wouldn’t make fun of you for using the mechanical bridge in a game of billiards. Heck, they’d suggest it. They’d hand it to you and say, hey, this will steady your shot.
If you were playing Tecmo Bowl with the Giants’ offense, they’d offer up the NES Advantage to you. They’d beg you to use the turbo buttons. And after you shed off six tackles on your way to the game-winning touchdown, they’d just smile and wonder how you got the best of them.
Racing the Giants’ offense? They’ll take the outside lane, but put the starting blocks right next to you. No, no. They insist.
The Giants’ offense would be just fine with the cards they’re dealt in draw poker. Every hand. You could draw a couple of cards if you want, but this jack-high will do just fine for them.
The Giants’ offense doesn’t see the point of "RSTLN E." Just give them an "X" and let them guess for a few seconds.
This is because the Giants’ offense is filled with egalitarian idealists. There’s a beauty to it. They all came about it a different way -- Mark DeRosa was big into Immanuel Kant, while Buster Posey read "Harrison Bergeron" 18 times -- the the result is the same. When they play behind Tim Lincecum at his best, they can’t abide by that. It’s unfair. Tacky. They need to close the gap by making the other pitcher seem as effective.
Humiliating the other team with filthy changeups? Garish. Bourgeois. It’s flaunting physical gifts as if they had anything to do with free will. Just because one guy’s ape ancestor had some strand of DNA that made a guy more likely to pitch well, he’s supposed to impose his will on others? That’s just savage.
But there’s always balance. The Arizona bullpen is filled with guys who ... well, I’m not sure what they are. Are they a bunch of staunch objectivists, fundamentally opposed to the idea of charity? Are they anarchists? Heck, they could be nihilists. Whatever they are, I’m glad they’re that.
Another walk-off win for the Giants, and another game closer to first place. I could get used to this. And it's probably only a matter of time before Tim Lincecum throws a no-hitter, but if he does, I would prefer that the Giants score five runs in the first inning. Thinking about a 0-0 tie in the ninth inning of a no-hitter makes my hair fall out.