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New Year's resolutions for the San Francisco Giants:
1958: Win the World Series, enjoy another ticker-tape parade.1959: Win the World Series, acquire more Alous
1960: Win the World Series, develop another Rookie of the Year
1961: Win the World Series, acquire the maximum amount of Alous allowed by law
1962: Win the World Series, make sure the Yankees never ever ever win another World Series
1963: Win the World Series, stop giggling at Gaylord Perry's name. It's not funny. STOP. Act your age.
1964: Win the World Series, sign Duke Snider. Make him carry the bags from the bus to the clubhouse.
1965: Win the World Series, reach out to a member of the Dodgers organization. With a bat, perhaps?
1966: Win the World Series, reserve spot for Len Gabrielson in Cooperstown
1967: Win the World Series, win 90 games again, but maybe WIN THE FREAKING DIVISION THIS TIME.
1968: Win the World Series, drop a ton of acid, watch "2001: A Space Odyssey," like, a billion times
1969: Win the World Series, don't look for a player who can improve on Hal Lanier's OPS+ of -400,000
1970: Win the World Series, develop good, young outfielders to give away so other teams will like us.
1971: Win the World Series, develop good, young outfielders to give away so other teams will like us
1972: Win the World Series, get rid of that yucky natural grass! Yucky!
1973: Win the World Series, develop good, young outfielders to give away so other teams will like us
1974: Win the World Series, develop good, young outfielders to give away so other teams will like us
1975: Win the World Series, develop good, young outfielders to give away so other teams will like us
1976: Win the World Series, don't move to Canada.
1977: Win the World Series, get rid of that Chris Speier guy to make room for Johnny LeMaster
1978: Win the World Series, drink until memories of Willie McCovey in poop-brown and urine-yellow uniforms go away.
1979: Win the World Series, send the inventor of Astroturf a box of the stuff with detailed instructions where to store it.
1980: Win the World Series, get Rennie Stennett! Pay him two...no...three million!
1981: Win the World Series, strike so no one has to watch Rennie Stennett hit.
1982: Win the World Series, combat Fernandomania with a McGaffiganza!
1983: Win the World Series, think of a single reason to remember 1983 at all
1984: Win the World Series, host All-Star Game without having a player blown off the mound. By the wind! The wind! You're sick.
1985: Win the World Series, lose fewer than 100 games
1986: Win the World Series, okay, seriously, lose fewer than 100 games this time
1987: Win the World Series, absolutely do not restart a tradition of painful playoff defeats.
1988: Win the World Series, possibly as a limping Jeffrey Leonard hits a walk-off home run in dramatic fashion.
1989: Win the World Series, try to figure out how to have a ballpark as beautiful and fan-friendly as the one in Oakland.
1990: Win the World Series, usher in the Tracy Jones Era.
1991: Win the World Series, remove mentions of Tracy Jones Era from media guides.
1992: Win the World Series, don't move to Tampa.
1993: Win the World Series, possibly after winning 104 games in the regular season. Oh, that would be sweet.
1994: Win the World Series, strike in case Rennie Stennett wants to play baseball again.
1995: Win the World Series, fill gaping hole in secondary by trading for a cornerback.
1996: Win the World Series, which will surely be the first of several for Barry Bonds.
1997: Win the World Series, even though there's no chance in hell that the team will sniff the playoffs.
1998: Win the World Series. No, seriously.
1999: Win the World Series. Please.
2000: Win the World Series. Dammit. Stop coming so close and then eating our soul.
2001: Win the World Series. C'mon. Just win it.
2002: Win the World Series. Really, this is the year.
2003: Win the World Series. OH COME ON. Just once.
2004: Win the World Series. This is not negotiable.
2005: Win the World Series. If not, then just continue this sustained regular-season success.
2006: Win the World Series, find a rock to crawl under and die.
2007: Win the World Series, phase out Barry Bonds, phase in Bruce Bochy, see if anyone notices.
2008: Win the World Series, using magic, sorcery, and Dave Roberts.
2009: Win the World Series, get as many as four doubles.
2010: Whatever. You're not pulling the football away from us this time. We're just going to focus on finally cleaning out the garage as our resolution.
2011: Win the World Series again, if it isn't too much trouble. Remind Dodgers fans everywhere that the Giants have won the World Series, the Giants have won the World Series, the Giants have won the World Series, the Giants have won the World Series, Edgar Renteria hit into the lower deck of the left-field stands and they went crazy, they went crazy! HEEYYYYYYEAAAAAAHHHH!![ten-second pause for crowd noise]
Happy New Year! May this year be the year. Again.