Wait, they’re remaking Red Dawn? Why, the nerve of Hollywood. There isn’t a better fantasy movie out there about defending your homeland against invading hordes of godless invaders. It’s perfect as is. Who can forget lines like this:
GODDAMMIT, WHERE'S THE BUG?
You might remember that exact line from some of Aeschylus’ plays. The screenwriter for Red Dawn knew exactly which classics to honor with his own master work, which is part of what made it a special movie. And now they’re remaking it? When did Hollywood become all about the money? It used to be so pure.
Where were we? Oh, right, hordes of godless invaders. The Dodgers come to town for a mid-week series, and it’s the first time they’re coming to San Francisco this season. Wolverines! It would be better if the Giants still had someone who went to the University of Michigan to complete the illusion, but we can still rely on our star-powered fans to help out. Wolverines!
I wasn’t sure where to fit Patrick Swayze’s untimely death into the metaphor, so I just left it alone. Besides, a Swayze reference on this site would have to come from a different movie. The ghost of Swayze needs to poke someone from the front office in the chest and say, hey, "Nobody puts Buster at a corner."
I don’t even know what I’m writing any more. This is what a pending Dodgers series does to me. It makes me a jumbled mess of nerves, limited expectations, and ‘80s schlock. The Giants haven’t had a winning season against the Dodgers since 2005, and they’re already down in the season series this year by a game. The Giants’ rotation is just a wee bit wobbly right now, and they’re going to face a Dodgers team filled with average-or-above hitters. Bad timing.
As badly as I wanted to the Giants to beat the Red Sox – and I really, really wanted the Giants to beat the Red Sox – that’s nothing compared to the burning hatefire that consumes me every time I watch Russell Martin loop a broken-bat single over a drawn-in infield, or when Matt Kemp does Matt Kemp things to the Giants even though Matt Kemp isn’t having a Matt Kemp season. A Dodgers series also means the stands will be filled with blue-bedecked toadpeople, all waiting for the right moment to cheer inappropriately. I wanted the Giants to sweep the Red Sox so the Yaz-come-latelys in the stands would shut their faux chowder-gullets. That didn’t happen. All I’m asking for is for the Giants to make that up to me by taking every home series against the Dodgers from now until the end of time. Or until the Soviets take over the country. Whichever comes first.
Hitter to watch:
Did you know that Jamey Carroll is only a career .266/.361/.290 against the Giants? That can’t be. When you cut off one of David Eckstein’s toes, Carroll is what generates from the still-living, detached digit. Get yourself some garden shears and a petri dish, and try it next time the Padres are in town. Tell the police that McCovey Chronicles sent you!
On a team with a bunch of sluggers and high-OBP threats, it’s players like Carroll who irrationally scare me. Prove me wrong, Giants. Prove me wrong.
Pitcher to watch:
It would have been Russ Ortiz or Ramon Ortiz here, but, gee, neither of them worked out for the Dodgers. Who could have seen that coming? Instead we’ll go with John Ely, who has had a very strong start to the season. The Dodgers got him when they traded away Juan Pierre. In other news, someone wanted to trade for Juan Pierre, and the Dodgers only had to pick up a little more than half of his remaining contract. The Giants have an embarrassing contract in center field too, but all we got was this lousy t-shirt. We certainly aren't going to get a young, above-average lefty for Rowand. I'm not sure how the Dodgers pulled that off.
Ely relies on control, hoping that his opponents will chase bad pitches and get themselves out. Yeah.
At least two – maybe even three – fights will break out in the stands between inebriated individuals who believe in the inherent superiority of the professional sports club for which they root. Remember that you read it here first!