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Giants/Padres Series Preview

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After a successful homestand and East Coast road trip, the Giants are returning home to face the…

Oh, come on. Again? Look, I’m not a complete traditionalist. I don’t like the DH, but I can live with it in the other, lesser league. And I’m actually okay with interleague play for the most part. But here’s my rock-solid, airtight argument against the unbalanced schedule:

 

The San Diego Padres

Argue against that one, Socrates. And this is only the second series against the Padres. Imagine how we’re all going to feel in August and September, when the Padres are in town for the 52nd and 53rd series of the season. Chase Headley! Will Venable! Luke Gregerson! Greg Lukerson! Max Venable anecdotzzzzzzzzzzz….

Nothing against the Padres, and, hey, they’re the first place team. But I’ve seen one Padres game too many. I’m sure there are White Sox fans who can say the same about the Royals, and Royals fans who can say the same about the Indians. Also pretty sure there are plenty of Giants fans who can say the same thing about the Padres because I’M FREAKING TIRED OF WATCHING THE GIANTS PLAY THE PADRES.

Ahem.

The Dodgers are the Dodgers are the Dodgers, the Rockies are purple-swathed subhumans, and you can even loathe the Diamondbacks for winning a championship in the two or three years they had been in existence. But the Padres? Meh. Pure, unadulterated, brown and navy blue meh. The park? Meh. The roster? Meh. And I’m not talking about quality, either. It’s just hard to form an opinion on a bland, functional masterpiece of bland functionality like Petco Park. It’s not hideous, it’s not magnificent, it’s just zdzzzzzzz.

Good god. It’s only the second Padres series of the year. Collect all sixty-two! Do you know how many nose hairs David Eckstein has in his left nostril? Because you will. After his 42,012nd at-bat against a Giants pitcher, your mind will drift, and you’ll stare blankly at the screen, eyes glazed, lips spittle-flecked, and the HD broadcast will zoom in on his nose. You’ll start to count the hairs: one…two…three…sixteen…did you pause the DVR? Time will stand still, but no, it’s not on pause, you’re just caught in some sort of relativity-bending wormhole that happens when the Giants play the Padres over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Hitter to watch:

Look, I don’t care. Didn’t you read all of that? I mean, who just skips to the "hitter to watch" section? It’s clearly the worst part of the post, if not the site. Okay, fine: Kyle Blanks. He’s the hitter to watch. He’s the size of a vending machine, and he’s slumping, but the slump only means that he’ll get healthy against the late-inning reliever of his choosing this series if you subscribe to the tongue-somewhat-in-cheek-but-not-really cynicism of this site.

Pitcher to watch:

Oh, man, just stop. All of them. None of them. A few of them. The Padres have pitchers, and they like to throw baseballs in the general vicinity of home plate, and the Giants may or may not be successful doing the things that hitters are supposed to do with pitches thrown by pitchers. Do you really want me to single out one of them? They’re all throwing well, for the most part. Extremely well, actually. So if you insist, let’s all watch, uh, Wade LeBlanc tonight. LeBlanc is a lefty with an ERA under 2.00, which is completely unsustainable. He’ll be facing Barry Zito, whose ERA under 2.00 is completely expected and sustainable. It should be a great matchup.

Prediction:

Oh, I’ll watch. But only because "Antique Roadshow" reruns aren’t out on DVD yet with director’s commentary.