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Giants/Rockies Series Preview

Look at this guy:


Time Magazine was going to do an issue on the "Most Punchable Faces in America", but production was delayed when staffers kept punching their computer screens when this picture came up.


Just...just look at that guy. My god. There are 4,000 chin hairs per square inch. After the apocalypse, keep that fact in mind. That kind of goatee would keep a baby warm during the nuclear winter. Of course, then the baby would smell like Todd Helton. But that would make you less attached to the baby, so it wouldn’t be as hard to use it for sustenance. I mean, I’m talking about a really bad apocalypse. But then you’d be eating something that smelled like Todd Helton. Why can’t the Rockies make anything easy?

The Dodgers rivalry gets most of the press, and rightfully so, but the Rockies are zooming up the hatred charts. The seed of hatred was planted right around here, dutifully watered around here, fertilized right about here, and harvested to yield a nourishing, black fruit of pure hatred here. A black fruit of pure hatred tastes kind of like cilantro, in case you were wondering.

They wear purple. A professional sports team. Purple. Let that sink in for just a second.

And then there’s that way they build their team: through the "draft" and "international free agency", using their "player development system" to "develop homegrown players." What in the hell is that? I don’t know where they get the nerve, but it makes me sick. Would it kill them to sign a mid-30s free agent whom no one else wants and start them? What a bunch of cliquey snobs.

Probably the truest test of a rivalry is how the upcoming makes you feel. Nervous? Anxious? Jittery? A little stabby? Then it’s probably a legit rivalry. Man, I hate when the Giants lose to the Rockies. So it’s probably best if they don’t.

Hitter to watch

Well, not this guy if you can avoid it:


Just look at that guy. And you can’t even see his new, horrific pageboy hairdo in that picture. Helton looks like a guy who would dance at a Collective Soul concert, occasionally leaning over to the guy next to him and saying, "Man, I love grunge!" Simply awful.

No, the hitter to watch is anyone not in the starting lineup. Because while the lineup the Rockies might field if their real starting eight were injured in a freak Twister accident..

2B - Eric Young, Jr.
SS - Jonathan Herrera
1B - Jason Giambi
LF - Seth Smith
CF - Ryan Spilborghs
C - Chris Ianetta
3B - Melvin Mora
RF - Matt Miller

...might not be a better lineup than what the Giants run out there, it’s a little silly that it’s close.

Pitcher to watch

Ubaldo Jimenez. Because he’ll be on the bench, where I hope he stays for every Giants/Rockies game for the rest of his Rockies career. Dude’s good. If there’s a pitcher to watch this series who will actually, you know, get into a game, it’d be Jhoulys Chacin, who combines the arm of Billy Sadler with the control of Billy Sadler. Chacin is a hard thrower who struggles with his command, so teams that wait him out can make him throw a ton of pitches. So obviously, the Giants should just look for that first-pitch fastball. That might be the best pitch they see all at-bat.


If the Giants were to take two out of three -- a big, crazy if -- that one loss would make us fill up with rage, and we’d pull hamstrings in a rush to blame and point fingers, totally ignoring the fact that a series win would complete a pretty fantastic homestand. Anything less, and the rage and blame would probably nourish us until the next hot streak, though.