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Dodgers/Giants Series Preview

Tale of a Slow Death, Maybe, Unless It's a Tale of Survival, I Guess, but Probably Death, Most Likely

Hungry. So hungry. I wish I had a book on this desert island. Also, food.

Wait, what are those? Cheez-Its. I eat all six of them. That will give me enough energy for, oh, an hour more.

Wasting away now. No more Cheez-Its to be found, so it looks like this is really the end. My distended s...hey, is that another Cheez-It? Mmm. Lucky day.

Okay, there really aren't any more Cheez-Its, and I'm really going to die from hunger now. Its really sad. Unless I eat that Cheez-It that's stuck to my foot. Man, I've been putting that off for a while. I eat the Cheez-It stuck to my foot. I'm going to make it! For another 30 seconds or so!

I think this season will eventually hold a special place in my heart, but that special place needs a couple coats of paint before it's even close to being inhabitable. We're in this thing, we're out of this thing, we shake this thing all about, we curse managerial decisions, and we turn ourselves around. That's what it's all about. So I've heard. And it's kind of a drag at this point.

Even if you are the most pessimistic Giants fan on the planet, though, you have something to root for. Even if you think there's no way in the world that the Giants can catch the Rockies, this is still a Giants/Dodgers series. We've been poked in the eye already. We don't need to be lit on fire. If the Giants are knocked out of contention in Los Angeles -- like, really, really, really knocked out of contention -- that's a measure of pain that's completely unnecessary.

So I propose that the Giants win all three games.

Now that that's settled, let's focus our attention on the Diamondbacks/Rockies series. I propose that the Diamondbacks win all three of those games.

Settled. With the Giants just a half-game back, this season will get really exciting. More importantly, though, the Dodgers don't get their reverse-Joe Morgan moment at our expense. It's disgusting enough when a bad team plays the spoiler, like in 1993, but it would be extra disgusting to watch a playoff-bound team twist the knife. Greedy bastards.

Hitter to Watch:

Andre Ethier has six walk-off hits this season. Six! But there's no way he can reach seven, especially not against the fine staff of the San Francisco Giants. I mean, c'mon. I'd be blown away if that happened. What, is he going to get a crucial hit at a crucial time against the Giants? Pffft. I'd like to see that happen.

Pitcher to Watch:

Seriously? Vincente Padilla? Jon Garland? Randy Wolf? Did 2003 have a garage sale? The Giants should hit all of these chumps. Yeah, even Wolf, who has had a fantastic year, but whose elbow is held together by the tears of an orphan and a wad of chewed Dubble Bubble.  In fact, the Giants should dominate this series, as they'll surely knock these journeymen messes of average around the park. What, you're expecting the crafty pitching of  stuffless pichers to shut down the miserably hacking Giants? Pffft. I'd like to see that happen. You're kind of a downer.

Prediction and Comment Starter:

Combined number of PA from Buster Posey, John Bowker, Fred Lewis, and Ryan Garko: 2.5. Over or under?