John Connor, intrepid Giants fan from 2009: Good day. I have traveled back in time to complete a mission. Could you point me in the direction of Edgar Renteria's agent?
McCovey Chronicles reader in 2008: Good god, you're naked. And covered with goo.
John Connor: That's what she said!
McC reader: I'm pretty sure that one doesn't count. Too obvious.
John Connor: Please, there isn't much time. I need to find Edgar Renteria's agent. It's a long story.
McC reader: What's that?
John Connor: Oh, these? Doctored photos showing a solar flare wiping out San Francisco. I need to convince Edgar Renteria not to sign with the Giants.
McC reader: Not Bocock? I love that player. We should get him, but I don't want the Giants to give a four-year contract to another veteran.
John Connor: He only gets two years, but that's not the point. Please!
McC reader: Now I'm a little suspicious. You don't want Not Bocock for a short-term deal? How do I know you aren't a Dodger fan?
Connor lifts shirt and reveals mortal soul
McC reader: Thank you.
John Connor: The Giants are so, so close. I need your help to get them into the playoffs.
McC reader: How's Lincecum doing? Another Cy Young?
John Connor: Well, he had a heckuva start in his return from a back injury, so...
McC reader: AUAAAAAGH! Is that...blood coming from my ears? Man, that's painful. At least Cain is doing okay, right?
John Connor: I suppose I could mess with you by saying that he has a lower K/9 than Barry Zito, but that would be...
McC reader has his (or her!) head down on a desk, sobbing
McC reader: It's just not fair. It's just...not...fair.
John Connor: Please. I don't know where I am. Can you tell me how to find Edgar Renteria or his agent? I'm confused by your Byzantine road signs and maps in 2008. I need assistance!
McC reader is sucking his/her thumb
John Connor: Fine. I have no choice but to mess with you even more, then. Fred Lewis has the second highest on-base percentage on the team among players with at least 300 at-bats.
McC reader: Oh. Oh, good.
John Connor: And he's lost his job to Eugenio Velez!
McC reader AUUUAAAAGH!
John Connor: And once Velez is in the lineup, there's only one player in the starting lineup with an on-base percentage over .325!
McC reader runs to the toilet and kneels down
McC reader: No more. Please, I beg of you.
John Connor: The #3 hitter...doesn't hit a home run after April, even though he's in the lineup every day!
McC reader starts retching
McC reader: Oh...oh, my. Please stop. If you find Edgar Renteria, what will the Giants do for a shortstop? I can't take another year of sub-.220 futility.
John Connor: They have Juan Uribe, who has a .500 slugging percentage to make up for his hacking ways.
McC reader: Then why do you need to go back in time to convince Renteria to sign somewhere else? Why doesn't he lose his job to Uribe?
John Connor: Because we traded our third-best pitching prospect for Ryan Garko, who didn't hit in his first 100 at-bats as a Giant, so he was buried behind Guy Sularz and Milt May on the depth chart, even though his career suggests he's a much better hitter than what he's shown, but that means that in order to get Uribe's bat in the lineup, Bruce Bochy shuffles the lineup around to make sure Renteria, who is simultaneously injured and among the worst hitters in the league, gets every possible start at Garko's expense.
McC reader: ...
John Connor: I know, I know.
McC reader: Did NASA send you? Like, did they give you one of those cyanide pills? Because I have about $53 on me, and...
John Connor: Don't worry. You get to watch a contending team next year! It's exciting, trust me.
McC reader: But...the vision of the future you've provided is chilling. Horrific. I'm not sure if I can bear to watch.
John Connor: There are times you question your sanity, sure, but it's a thrilling season. You'll yell, you'll scream, you'll laugh, you'll cry. I left on September 15th, so I'm still not sure how it ends up. But we're close -- real close -- so I needed to travel back in time. Actually, I tried to land in France, 1954, with a bucket of cold water, but my time machine didn't have enough gas. So I'm just trying to improvise.
McC reader: Edgar Renteria's agent is Barry Meister. Here's a computer.
John Connor: Wow! This has full search engine capabilities! You're more advanced than I imagined. Also, Tim Alderson gets traded for Freddy Sanchez, who promptly gets injured right after the trade.
McC reader: AUAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
later, in Barry Meister's office
John Connor: So, as you can see, the solar flare spares no one. I'm from the future, and in our future, Renteria writes the song that brings the world together to live in peace and harmony. We need to keep Renteria from signing a two-year, $18M deal with San Francisco!
Meister spits out his coffee
Barry Meister: Eighteen million dollars? Oh, baby. I'm going to call the Tigers right now, and tell them to cram their extension. Wow! What great news!
John Connor: Wait, what about the solar flare?
Barry Meister: Listen, pal, for $18M, Renteria can buy an exoskeleton made from adamantium. That's his business. Wow!
John Connor: NOOOOOOOO! What have I done? WHAT HAVE I DONE?
fin