I hate the Rockies. Hate them, hate them, hate them. I hate that they couldn’t win a single game against the Braves in 1993. I hate that they went 7-13 against the Diamondbacks in 2001. I hate that Neifi Perez existed, and I hate that he hit a home run in what used to be the worst park in the history of baseball to prevent the Giants from winning the 1998 Wild Card outright. I hate that when the Giants needed help in 2004, the Rockies lost every game against the Astros.
And I hate this new Coors Field. I hate that it’s almost a neutral park. The previous incarnation of Coors Field was a disgrace. It was the equivalent to allowing aluminum bats, three designated hitter slots in every lineup, and four outs in every inning. It wasn’t baseball. And then…poof? By some manner of witchery, it’s a normal place to play baseball. Also, now the Rockies have ripped off two of the greatest extended runs in baseball history in two of the last three years. In that time, the team also manipulated baseballs to affect run scoring. Ostensibly for everyone, mind you. I’m not claiming that there’s a conspiracy. But I am claiming that this thing runs deep. The Carlyle Group, the Knights Templar, Chick Gandil, and (Tuffy) Rhodes Scholars…they all know about the humidor, man, and you sheeple can ignore it and chew your grass, man, while they keep pulling your own wool over your eyes.
So I hate the Rockies. But danged if I don’t respect them. Almost the entire lineup is homegrown. They’ve made astute pickups to fill in some of the gaps, but most of their success is due to triumphs in amateur scouting and player development. Why would that impress me?
Brian Sabean: Hey, congratulations on a hard-fought race. Your team played hard, and there’s no shame in losing to you.Dan O’Dowd: Thanks, Brian. I really appreciate that.
Sabean: I mean, I look at your roster, and I can’t stop kicking myself. Where was I when you were getting all of these guys?
O’Dowd: Yeah, it’s a heck of a group. Heck of a group.
Sabean: If I could go back in time, one of the first things I’d do is offer Troy Tulowitski a bigger contract than you did. I’d go right over the top and give him an extra $10M.
O’Dowd: Well, actually, he wasn’t a free ag…
Sabean: And Brad Hawpe? Man, I would have totally given him one more year than you guys did.
O’Dowd: Actually, we drafted and developed those last two players. They weren’t free agents.
Sabean: Ha, yeah, that’s rich. But I would have loved to sign Seth Smith before you did.
O’Dowd: Again, we drafted Smith. He was never a free agent.
Sabean: Uh, whatever. And this Fowler kid…man, it’s rare that you see someone that young in free agency. You must have signed him really early in the offseason. He wasn’t even on my radar.
O’Dowd: Yeah, I’m not sure how I can get this across, but, uh, we drafted him too.
Sabean: But he’s only 23. Do you expect me to believe that you drafted him, let him play at different minor league levels, properly evaluated his major league readiness, and then didn’t bury him behind a procession of middling veterans?
O’Dowd: Kind of.
Sabean starts walking away slowly, still facing O’Dowd
Sabean: You’re a real jerk, O’Dowd. I was just trying to compliment you, and you try to make me look like an ass. Take your science fiction stories and shove ‘em, pal. And just know that the next time one of these good players comes on the market, I’m going to offer more years and more money than you’ve ever dreamed of.
That’s why I’m impressed. Because I’m a Giants fan. But can I really root for the Rockies?
Good gravy. I can not not root for the Rockies, I guess.