The case against Shane Victorino is strong. He's a grubby little weasel who has no problem grabbing your junk and twisting it like an apple stem if it means breaking up a double play. Some people call that "gritty." Most sane folks call it "dirty." He went into right field to break up a double play in 's debut, soiling what should have been an entirely magical day. Victorino was the winner of the final vote for the All-Star Game, beating out .
So Victorino is the natural enemy of Tim Lincecum and Pablo Sandoval, who are two of the greatestest things nature has ever produced. So Victorino is against nature. He's a vile aberration.
At least, that's what I think right now. If the home run in last year's NLCS. He probably wants to rip off 's ears too. How can the enemy of true evil be evil himself? This is some real Aristotle stuff right here.win today, though, it might be time to reevaluate Victorino. He's murdering the in this series. He hit a crucial, eighth-inning
In a Victorinoless world, the Dodgers might have won the World Series last year. They still have a chance this year, but Victorino has helped put the Dodgers in a deep hole. Do you know what's worse than watching thelose 90 games? Watching Dodgers spray each other with champagne. What's worse than falling just short of a playoff spot this season? Watching the Dodgers spray each other with champagne. There's still a chance that might happen. There's still a chance that Russell Martin will hug in a couple of weeks as they look into each other's black, soulless eyes and say to each other, "We did it, buddy! We're world champions!" There's still a chance that on that night, they will have champagne with their puppy-fetus tacos instead of the usual goblets of goat's blood.
If that doesn't happen, though, Shane Victorino will be a big reason why. It's almost too much for my brain to handle.
Yeah, that's not a true spectrum, but you get the idea. If the Phillies win tonight, Victorino's somewhere up there. He'll be a hero, an anti-hero, and a force of evil working temporarily for the forces of good. (And, yes, I know it's very McCarthy of me to describe the Soviet Union as "evil", but work with me here.) I don't think I'll ever like Victorino -- I think that wiring is permanent -- but if he's responsible for a second straight Dodger ousting, there's no way he'll be a part of a hated-player list filled with Steve Garveys, Mike Piazzas, and Eric Gagnes. He'll be on the second tier, and he'll have begrudgingly earned a little respect. He'll still be a dirty player and a grubby little weasel, but if that's what it takes to prevent the Dodgers from winning....
Only if the Phillies win this series, though. Only if they win this series. Let's go Phillies. Don't let us down.