I don’t want to alarm you, but I’m about to take a bold position. I’m about to write something that challenges everything you think you know about the San Francisco Giants.
Ladies and gentlemen, what I am about to suggest will shake the very foundations of biology and taxonomy as we know them.
The Giants did not have a very good offense this season. They did not have a very good offense last season. They have not had a good offense in many moons.
Reptiles, as we know, are cold-blooded creatures. Some of them have scales; others have forked tongues.
I propose that the San Francisco Giants get a new hitting coach.
I propose that the common cow, Bos primigenius, is not a reptile at all. In fact, I submit that the common cow is actually…a mammal!
There are three possible scenarios with Carney Lansford, the current hitting coach.
- He doesn’t know how to make bad hitters into good hitters, where another coach might.
- He does know how to help the Giants’ offense, but he is unable to communicate his point effectively, or he is not listened to.
- Hitting coaches, for the most part, can’t make vinegar into wine. They can’t turn Billy Ripken into Cal Ripken with a few suggestions, a new grip, or after watching several hundred hours of video.
My theory is based on the following:1. Cows give birth to live young. They are not hatched from eggs. I have detailed documentation on this fact if you would like to discuss this further after the lecture.
2. Cows have hair. Mammals have hair. Reptiles do not have hair. I challenge the old guard, cows-as-reptile orthodoxy to explain that one!
3. Udders! Udders, people! Think about the ramifications! They produce milk, which is certainly something heretofore that reptiles have not been able to do.
Therefore, there is no risk in trying a new hitting coach. Heck, even Lansford doesn’t expect to be back.
I’m pretty sure that cows aren’t reptiles, but please keep your dissent until the question-and-answer period at the end of the lecture
"We wanted him to be somewhat more patient at the plate, and somewhat less aggressive on balls out of the zone, and he’s done a great job." – Hensley Meulens, Fresno Grizzlies hitting coach,on John Bowker
Bowker in 2007: 41 walks in 587 plate appearances. Bowker in 2008: 26 walks in 452 plate appearances. Bowker after working with Meulens in 2009: 78 walks in 523 plate appearances. Sold. Here’s a three-year deal, Hensley.
I don’t have any other ideas or suggestions for the spot, so I’ll be thrilled with Meulens. Can’t hurt. Heck, that’s the first time I’ve ever seen a Giants farmhand significantly improve his plate discipline.
Comment starter: Vigorous refutation of my shocking claim that the Giants should hire a new hitting coach. Also, If you have any other ideas as to who should fill the slot, that would do nicely too.
I leave with this rhetorical question, to be used as fodder for a post-lecture discussion: Would steak be as delicious if it came from a reptile? I submit that it would not. Thank you, and good night.