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Long. Sorry.

* a phone rings *

Me: Yello?

Giants fan from 2007: My god…it worked…. I’m calling from 2007. Is this…the future?

Me: Yes. Yes, it is. And to speed things up, I’m not going to ask how you were able to call into the future, nor am I going to bring up the universe-shattering paradoxes inherent with talking with someone from the future.

2007: Good. I’m dying to know about baseball in the future. Is there instant replay in baseball where you’re from?

Me: Yeah, but in a limited format.

2007: Wow. Unreal. Are there anti-gravity suits yet? Are genetic modifications the new morality crisis in baseball? Have the Giants won a World Series?

Me: Wait, how far into the future do you think you’re calling?

2007: Fifty years.

Me: You made it a year.

2007: Dang. At least I saved the receipt. Well, uh, how are the Giants?

Me: They’re bad. But not without hope.

2007: Hey, I’ll take that! So I guess that means that Kevin Frandsen’s doing well, and Nate Scheirholtz got his chance, right? Wait, or does it mean that Noah Lowry’s the old Noah Lowry? Did Angel Villalona hit 30 homers? Is either Wendell Fairley or Nick Noonan already in AAA? Where’s the hope coming from?

Me: Let’s see, Frandsen never played a game, Scheirholtz spent most of the season back in AAA, Lowry never threw a pitch, and none of the prospects you mentioned had particularly exceptional performances this year.

2007: Oh. Did the Giants at least draft something else besides some crappy high school pitcher?

Me: Well, yes, but part of the reason for the hope is…

2007: Nice! An actual hitter! Stockpiling young arms is so boring. But I’m confused. If that hitter was just drafted, why is there hope?

Me: Pablo Sandoval had a great year, for one.

2007: Wow, he finally mastered A-ball! Good for him.

Me: Actually, he demolished A-ball, and then he demolished AA. Now he’s hitting everything within three feet of the strike zone in the majors. He’s still a little rough around the edges, but he’s about the most exciting hitter the Giants have called up in a decade.

2007: Whoa. And hope, to me, means a potential solution to the gaping first-base hole. So that’s where Pablo’s playing now, huh?

Me: Well, kind of. Travis Ishikawa will probably get a lot of the at-bats next year.

2007: I’m sorry, you’re breaking up, probably because I’m calling you on technology that doesn’t exist. I’ll just assume you said "Yep" because what I heard was crazy talk. And I’ll also assume that Sabean traded all of the veterans, too.

Me: Not really. He traded Durham for the organizational equivalent of Matt Palmer and Antoan Richardson, but Molina, Winn, Vizquel, and Aurilia are still here.

2007: *stunned silence*

Me: But it’s okay. If anything, Winn and Molina have more value now. We were never going to get real prospects for any of them at the deadline.

2007: He couldn’t even find a decent young shortstop?

Me: No. But that’s not a huge concern either. The Giants rushed Emmanuel Burriss from A-ball, and then left him to rot on the bench for three months. When he finally got a chance to play, he kept his on-base percentage above .350, and he’ll probably start next year.

2007: *stunned silence*

Me: And keeping Burriss as a bench player for several months was only the second-worst shortstop-related front office maneuver of the year.

2007: Aaron Rowand?

Me: Started hot, but he’s been terrible for about four months now.

2007: Matt Cain?

Me: About the same as last year, ERA-wise.

2007: Barry Zito?

Me: Just as bad as the Zito you know and love, if not worse.

2007: Tim Lincecum?

Me: Probably the Cy Young winner.

2007: ZOMG!

Me: But he’s thrown more pitches than anyone in baseball, so there’s a little concern with that. It’s still ridiculously exciting, though.

2007: WTF? BBQ?

Me: I can’t believe you actually sound out the abbreviations when you’re surprised.

2007: So to recap: Matt Cain didn’t improve. Tim Lincecum was worked like a dog. Bengie Molina and Randy Winn are going to be in the starting lineup in 2009. The biggest minor league surprise was the rapid ascent of a 21-year-old who doesn’t take pitches. A guy who’s struggling in San Jose in my reality is our faint hope in your reality. Our latest free-agent acquisition is a disappointment, and our largest free-agent acquisition is still a total bust. The ostensible second baseman of the future, even though he was never that exciting in the first place, never took the field. Yet, you’re claiming there’s hope for this wretched franchise?

Me: Well, you just didn’t ask the right questions. You see, there’s a lot that’s going rig….

2007: You know what? Save it. I’m done with this team. I’m physically ill right now. I’m just going to go to sleep, and hopefully I’ll wake up in time for basketball season. How do the Warriors do?

Me: They win 48 games, but…

2007: Exactly. More than the Giants, I'm sure. I’m done with baseball. Take your hope and cram it, buddy. Peace out.

*hangs up the phone*

Me: Wait! For the love of all that is sacred, call Past Grant and tell him to put all of his money on the Rays making the playoffs! Wait! Hello? Hello?

Comment Starter: I wonder what crazy developments will happen within the next year that we wouldn’t be able to comprehend right now?

Me: Oh, shut up.