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Open Letter to the Philadelphia Phillies

Dear Phillies,

I’m starting to wonder if this burgeoning appreciation for your franchise was always there, but it just took this NLCS to really bring it out. I’m a fan. The Philadelphia Phillies are my team for the next week or so. I’m going to bleed pink, or fuchsia, or snapdragon red, or whatever the hell that color is. I will refrain making Rocky or cheese steak references, as I know that there’s just so much more to you than that.

But cheese steaks are delicious. That can’t be taken away from you. And the Dodgers are as patently evil as Ivan Drago’s U.S.S.R.; they’ll send you all to gulags and reeducation camps the second you turn your back. The Dodger fans are also spineless enough to cheer for you if you humiliate their team in their home.

I love that your two best position players went from decent-enough prospects, to good prospects, to superstars in their mid-20s. That’s how the Giants roll too. You’ve blazed a trail for Nate Schierholtz to be an All-Star, even if you don’t know it. Maybe Fred Lewis will reach for the stars in his mid-20s instead of being resigned to middle management, as it were. I can appreciate that.

I’m a sucker for the change-up, so I love that the top two pitchers on your staff rely on the changeup. Back when I was inhaling the Noah Lowry fumes, Cole Hamels is what I hoped Lowry would become – a dominant prince of befuddlement. And Jamie Moyer’s legendary exploits at Normandy add to his mystique, so he’s cool too.

Your roster has a few ex-Giants, which is pretty cool. Plus, they’re all likable ex-Giants, which is even cooler. I’m down with Scott Eyre, and Pedro Feliz was a Giant for the better part of a decade. Heck, you even gave Mike Cervenak an opportunity to get an RBI. That’s awesome. And even if I ignored the ex-Giant angle, the Phillies also feature two Bay Area products, Jimmy Rollins and Pat Burrell. This all more than makes up for the unfortunate Shane Victorino and his unfortunate rectum face. While a significant part of me wants Victorino to contract scurvy from a Dodger Dog – even though "science" seems to think that would be impossible – this does not affect my overall feelings for your fine organization.

So, good luck, Phillies. Because if I’m reading this Punnet square correctly, there’s a 25% chance that I’ll have to root for the damn Red Sox again in the World Series. I don’t think I would ever be able to forgive you for that. And if the Dodgers were to pass by you on the way to a championship…oh, man. That’s a betrayal I can’t even fathom. To put it in terms you can understand: You would become our JD Drew.

Good luck, and we’re all counting you.


Giants Fan