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Rooting Around

No more Dodgers. No more Red Sox. I was certainly looking forward to typing those words, but I’m suddenly so… so… hollow. The hate nourished me. Gave me sustenance. Warmed the Brian Bocockles of my heart, it did. And now I have to sit by the fire and sip on a steaming mug of what now, wondering for whom I should root in the World Series. There just isn’t a good way to get riled up against either one of these teams. I’ll actually have to root…for a team instead of against another one? Craziness.

Arguments for the Phillies

  • For three games in the Series, the Phillies will be the vanguards of justice, liberty, and all that is right with our national pastime when they tell the Rays to stick their DH in their DH-hole. NL forever! AL never! Keep your designated-hitting by-laws off of my body! Wolveriiiiiines!
  • It’s been a while for Philly in any sport. The 76ers, Eagles, Flyers, and Phillies have all had some interesting runs over the past 25 years, but it’s always ended in anger, tears, and scores of assault charges. I tend to pull for the cities with long championship droughts. Like, oh, San Francisco, for example. Suddenly, 1995 isn’t recent history anymore.
  • The Phillies play outside. In a real stadium, with real grass. Sorry, Tampa. It makes a difference.
  • The Phillies beat the Dodgers. C’mon. That’s not enough to name my firstborn Colehamelia, but it’s close. The least I could do is root for them in the Series.

Arguments for the Rays

  • You heartless, non-Rays rooting pinkos make me sick. This is America. We like apple pie, huge cinematic explosions, and underdogs. Don’t like it? Take the DH and your Gorky Park albums, and go back to Russia. The Rays in the World Series? That’s so counterintuitive, it hurts me in the awesome.
  • The Rays give me unrealistic hope that the Giants will contend soon. Not because of any similarities between the two rosters, mind you, but because if the Rays can go from a team ERA of 5.53 to the World Series in one year, the Giants can go from 94 home runs and an OPS+ of 89 to the World Series in one year. Don’t try and poke holes in that logic; it’s irrefutable.


Phillies. It was close, but there’s no other choice. Phoenix has had a championship parade. Miami has already had two championship parades. And now Tampa/St. Petersburg wants one? That’s too much. Dallas, Houston, Seattle, Milwaukee, and, oh yes, San Francisco are already in line. No cutting. You can almost steal our franchise, and you can steal our first-round picks (as long as they’re expensive busts), but hands off an out-of-turn championship, Tampa.

And you know what? All of those circa-‘60s and -‘70s franchises can get bent too. San Francisco’s had baseball since the ‘50s without a parade down Market Street. But I'll reserve the bulk of my ire for the newfangled expansion teams trying to make the Giants look bad. Worse, I mean.

So go Phillies. Kind of. I mean, it’d be cool if Tampa won too. I already miss the legitimate hate. It nourished me so.