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Rooting Guide for the MLB Playoffs

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Note: There's an open playoff thread below this post in case you were wondering.

In case you weren’t sure for whom you wanted to root in the playoffs, here’s a handy list of my suggestions based on a Giantscentric worldview. I’m eliminating guys like Scott Linebrink, Bobby Howry, and Carlos Villanueva, who really didn’t do enough in the Giants organization to make an impression. David Aardsma also falls into that category, though it should at least be noted that I’m a little disgusted with the guy because he isn’t Chad Billingsley, Brandon Wood, Carlos Quentin, Adam Jones, Jarrod Salatamacchia, Scott Baker, or Andre Ethier.

So here goes:

Pedro Feliz - Phillies

Root for or against?

For.

Why?

It was never really appropriate to hate Feliz the person, even while it was completely appropriate to hate Feliz the concept. He worked hard, played good defense, and never complained when the Giants were jerking him around between left field and third base. And his on-base percentage was above .300 for the second time in his career!

Dream Scenario of Ex-Giant Glory Top of the ninth, bases loaded, in a series-deciding game. JD Drew hits a laser down the third-base line. Feliz dives, extends, and nabs the ball on one hop. He either gets up and throws a strike to first for the series win, or he spits the ball to the second baseman like Snoopy. I haven’t decided that part yet.

***

Scott Eyre – Phillies

For or against?

For.

Why?

Eyre was picked up by the Giants on a waiver claim, pitched his lil’ heart out, and left for more money than he was worth. No harm, no foul, and he seemed like a pleasantly bizarre fellow.

Dream Scenario of Ex-Giant Glory

Striking out AJ Pierzynski five times in the same World Series, and perhaps punching him in his fat goblin face at some point.

***

Ray Durham -  Brewers

For or against?

For, a thousand times for

Why?

He was a Giant for a half-decade, and with the exception of a horrible 2007, he was a very good second baseman throughout his San Francisco career. If you hold any sort of antipathy toward Durham, you probably just need to take 2009 off. Plus, it’s been, like, 67 years since the Brewers were in the playoffs. If Durham helps them win a championship, he’ll be a Milwaukee legend. Durham wasn’t quite good enough to be a Hall-of-Famer, but he was good enough to be a local legend somewhere, right?

Dream Scenario of Ex-Giant Glory

Slow grounder to second on the first base side. Durham takes two steps to his left, extends his arm, and snares the ball with his glove. After a stunned pause, he calmly flicks the ball to Prince Fielder for the final out of the World Series.

***

A.J. Pierzynski – White Sox

For or against?

I’m not even going to answer that, and I’m just going to skip right to the end on this one.

Dream Scenario of Ex-Giant Glory

Bottom of the ninth. Two outs, runners on second and third, and the White Sox are down by one in Game Seven. Full count. Pierzynski is called out on strikes on a pitch that’s a foot outside of the strike zone. While he’s arguing and the other team is celebrating, a mythic roc of fire descends from the heavens and pecks out Pierzynski’s esophagus.

***

Jeff Kent – Dodgers

For or…

Yeah. I’m just going to skip to the end of this one, too.

Dream Scenario of Ex-Giant Glory

Kent’s line for a series-deciding game that the Dodgers lose: Three errors, five strikeouts, and a bloody pine tar and mustache mishap that becomes the most viewed video in YouTube’s history, even though MLB keeps forcing the video down because of copyright issues.

***

Mark Sweeney – Dodgers

For or against?

Against.

Why?

While I’m certainly rooting against Sweeney’s team, I’m not specifically rooting for him to fail. Heck, he might not even be on the roster, though I have a feeling that Colletti will put him on to experience the joint up. But his team needs to lose. 

Dream Scenario of Ex-Giant Glory

When the rapture comes, and Dodger players and fans are cast in to a flaming pit of hellfire for eternity, where their skin will heal only to be burnt again, and the boils upon their face lessen only to grow again, and the gnashing of teeth is inaudible but for their screams, I’m hoping that Sweeney gets to just roam purgatory until the end of time instead of being a part of all that.