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Uh...

By Grant Brisbee

I was going to write some piffly little thing about Barry Zito's fine start, but then I was overwhelmed with the idea that Alfonso Soriano could start in the National League outfield in San Francisco. Soriano isn't really having much of a season, either. Wait, yeah he is. Is there any way to trade Zito for him?

Regardless, Bonds has to start. I was whipped into a nationalistic-type fervor by this diary, and I urge everyone to vote here.

I was going to create a quick and dirty Photoshop with Bonds's head on the body of someone who was proudly holding up an ink-stained finger after voting in an election that, you know, actually mattered. During the Google Image Search for a big ol' Bonds head, though, I found this:

Uh, okay. That'll pique my interest. It comes from this astrology site, which presents the chart and asks some questions about the chart, such as:

Bonds has an angular Mars, consistent with the Gauquelin study of athletes' charts. Where else do you see a talented sports figure who reached star status and eclipsed phenomenal long-standing records?
I always suspected the angular Mars, but I didn't want to come off as too preachy. Also, I haven't really trusted Gauquelin since his whiny showing on Fox's "Astrologer Island." If he didn't have the amulet of forgiveness in week four, he would have been bounced soooo much earlier.

Since these questions were posted on the internet, they set off a bit of a flame war when one poster claimed:

An asteroid I found to show for 'falling on one's own sword'/sleight of hand/assassination aspects exactly Barry's natal chiron by transit on the day of the court-case and also on the publication day for the detail in the San Francisco Chronicle.
When asked to back up his claim about the asteroid influence, the poster was way too vague. Heck, he couldn't even name the asteroid. Asteroid...a steroid...wait a sec...I CAN SEE THROUGH THE MATRIX!!!!!

Now, I'm hesitant to criticize or poke fun at the beliefs of others, so I'm holding back on a whole lot of editorializing. If I vow not to bring up religion or politics on this site, how can I make fun of astrology in good conscience? Even if I really, really, really, really, really, really want to? I'm not intimating that I really, really, really, really, oh sweet mercy, let me have just a couple of wisecracks, because I really, really want to make fun of this; I was just writing in hypothetical terms. Hypothetical...hypodermic...wait a sec...I CAN SEE THROUGH THE MATRIX AGAIN!!!!

So I'll just present it to you with only one comment: I don't know how to read that chart, but danged if one of them squiggles don't just scream out "pinch-hit homer on 6/27!" to me.

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