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I would trade Tim Lincecum for world peace, a cure for psoriasis, and the development of interstellar travel. I would prefer to wait for Lincecum to deliver these things on his own, as described in the prophecies of yore.

Here's how I'm hoping the "Lincecum on the block"-stuff (link 1, link 2, link 3) began:

Sabean: We'll trade two starting pitchers, though I'd prefer to only trade one. I'd love to keep them all, but Lowry's contract makes him pretty danged attractive.

Colletti: Would you trade Lincecum?

Sabean: No.

Colletti: Never? Never ever?

Sabean: Nope.

Colletti: Not for a billion dollars?

Sabean: Nope.

Colletti: Not for a million billion dollars?

Sabean: Maybe. And a stud outfielder. Then I'd take my million billion dollars and buy a new damned team. This one is killing me.

Colletti: So, you would trade Lincecum for a stud outfielder?

Sabean: Yeah, and a million billion dollars.

Colletti: Do you remember when I passed out at that bar in Times Square? And how you dragged me out in the middle of the street, stripped me to my underwear, and covered me in cracked corn and bread so the pigeons would attack me? And then how I spent that week in the hospital because of that pigeon-based virus?

Sabean: Hee hee. Yeah.

Colletti: Well, I just taped our conversation, and now I'm going to edit it so it sounds like you're trying to trade Lincecum! Then I'll e-mail it to the press.

Sabean: I wish you wouldn't...but that's also not really a comparable prank.

Colletti: I'm also sleeping with your wife.

Sabean: ...

Colletti: Though, I guess that's not really a prank.

Sabean: ...

Colletti: I'll let myself out.

Ahh. Nothing starts the day like a good cuckolding joke. Nothing.

I'd trade Lincecum for one of these packages:

  • Brandon Wood and Howie Kendrick
  • Evan Longoria and Delmon Young
  • Jay Bruce and Joey Votto
  • Ryan Braun and Corey Hart
  • David Wright
  • Jose Reyes
See a pattern? Those are all ridiculous ideas. The other teams would wet themselves with laughter if Sabean suggested those offers. But that's the price of admission. Other than a ridiculously lopsided trade, why in the hell would you trade a pitcher like Lincecum five years before he's a free agent?

Rumors aren't to be taken seriously in November.

But still.