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The Fapsees?

The winner of the this year's Free Agent Prediction Contest will receive a year's supply of Turtle Wax. Well, maybe not a year's supply, but at least a link to an online coupon. If I can't find an online coupon, I'll just link to a Turtle Wax commercial on YouTube. If I can't find that, I'll link to something about turtles, I promise.

Alex Rodriguez - Nationals

I heard a Nationals/A-Rod rumor early in October, and danged if it didn't make sense. The Nationals have a new ballpark and new ownership group, and signing A-Rod would make a huge media splash. It's a pretty close analogy to the '93 Giants, in a way. Plus, this would free the Nationals up to trade Ryan Zimmerman for Brad Hennessey.

Andruw Jones - Dodgers

Power is their biggest problem, and this would allow them to trade Matt Kemp. Please?

Torii Hunter - Rangers

Hunter lives in Texas, and when the Rangers lost Gary Matthews, Jr., they plummeted from just below .500 to just below .500. Something has to be done.

Mike Lowell - Red Sox

They'll bend on their "two years max"-position. What does that third year really mean to the Red Sox' budget? Nothing.

Mariano Rivera - Yankees

Easiest one on the list. It's hard to imagine Rivera pulling up stakes and going to, oh, Cleveland when the Yankees are still willing to pay him.

Barry Bonds - A's

Sniff. The A's already have non-fielder Jack Cust as their DH, but I think Billy Beane would figure out a way to work Bonds into 120 games. Bonds would get to stay in the Bay Area. It's a win/win. Except for the Giants. Oh, and except for Bonds, who will have the crap booed out of him at every game, and not just the road games. Oh, and except for the A's, as Bonds will bring his recliner. When Barry Bonds reclines in the clubhouse, he drips clubhouse cancer all over the floor, and children can slip on the puddles of clubhouse cancer and die.

Aaron Rowand - Yankees

It's a drag that the free agent market isn't what it used to be. Even if the Giants signed the top five position players for hundreds of millions, they still wouldn't have a great offense. The lack of quick fixes can suck the irrational hope out of a bad team. The good news is that the Yankees have to bid on the same group of wretched as everyone else, and they're sure to panic and overspend on someone. Rowand is a ridiculously inconsistent player already in his 30s. But then I thought, "When am I ever going to be in Haiti again?"

Kosuke Fukudome - Cubs

The Cubs are trading Jacque Jones today, so there will be some room. If he turns out to be a beast, I'll go back and edit my "meh"-posts on him to make it seem like I loved Fukudome all along. Until then: meh. Randy Winn with thirty points of OBP and a nicer car.

Francisco Cordero - Giants

The Giants are going to throw money at someone, and spending tens of millions on a closer has never backfired on the organization. Except for every time they've tried it, that is, but now you're just being a lawyer. It never makes sense to invest too heavily in a closer, but at least Cordero's good. I think I used that exact line before the Benitez signing was official, but this time I mean it.

Carlos Silva - Mariners

Man. This is really the best free agent starter out there. Woof.

Tie-breaker: Noah Lowry will be traded to the _______.

Double tie-breaker: If he is traded, the ratio of satisfied McC readers to upset McC readers will be ___/___.