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BREAKING NEWS:

!!!!!!!

THIS IS NOT A TEST:

The Colorado Rockies had a chance to help the Giants last night, but failed to win. You may return to your lives.

As a piece of surprising news, it ranks somewhere between Paris Hilton getting busted for a DUI and a fern turning carbon dioxide into oxygen. The Rockies exist on this planet to bother the Giants. Even though they started dunking the balls in dry ice, or whatever they're doing now to suppress scoring, there still isn't a sane person that can enjoy baseball in Coors Field. In an update of Dante's The Divine Comedy, anyone and anything associated with the Rockies would certainly get their own circle. The comments section is open for what ironic and creative punishment they'd have to endure. Maybe a baby-catching contest where the person associated with the Rockies has 130% more area to cover when the babies are dropped from a 200-foot-high platform. They get so close, but just can't quite make up the ground.... And then it starts again.

But the Rockie partisans could at least take solace by looking one circle over, and seeing the horrors presented to fan and employees of the Florida Marlins. I wouldn't even get creative or ironic. It would just be an eternity of sandpaper briefs, lime juice, and a robot that gives wedgies. He wouldn't be the kind of robot that you could eventually befriend and convince to bust you out. Nope. He'd be a one-track robot, and that track would be wedgies.

I hate the Rockies. But I hate hate the Marlins. Two World Championships? Four no-hitters? The Giants haven't pitched a no-hitter since I was born, and haven't won the World Series since 1954. They came close a couple of times, especially in 2002. That's the year the Giants were seven outs away from the title, and the bullpen came in t....

Right. Sorry. Aside from the exciting win from the Giants, yesterday was a bad day for the cosmos. The Marlins enjoyed another no-hitter at home, and the Rockies were swept by the team directly in front of the Giants. It all makes me appreciate the Tampa Bay Devil Rays that much more. They're forgiven for the Matt White debacle. I'm sure they couldn't have found a better use for that $10.2M signing bonus anyways.

Comment starter: Which team do you hate more? The Rockies -- for never, ever doing anything to help the Giants -- or the Marlins, who actively stepped over the Giants on their way to more success than the Giants have ever had in San Francisco?

Poll

More loathsome?

This poll is closed

  • 57%
    Marlins
    (20 votes)
  • 42%
    Rockies
    (15 votes)
35 votes total Vote Now