If you haven't put down an entry in the pre-gameday Mad Libs thread, but you're in the mood for some Mad Lib action, stop reading! Get an entry down in the linked thread, fill in the blanks, and post the completed affidavit in the gameday thread. The truth must be told!
Another day, another scoop. My sources have filled in more of the redacted parts of the Jason Grimsley affidavit. The government might black out the words, but we give you the skinny. I was thinking that might be the new slogan around here. If I keep breaking news like this, 60 Minutes is going to want something catchy to introduce me with.
The fantastic redacted:
Grimsley was asked about his knowledge of other Major League Baseball players who took anabolic steroids. Grimsley named Kevin Mitchell, whom he stated was "playing the rusty trombone" with Ann Coulter (whom Grimsley said was "very obvious" and "had the worst back acne he'd ever seen"), and Grady Little as anabolic steroid users. Grimsley also stated that Pepe Le Pew had a doctor in Colorado that supplied him fanatically with amphetamines.
Mitchell and Coulter? I would sacrifice any animal necessary to make that a reality. Satan, you have my number. Though another source claims the affidavit reads:
Grimsley was asked about his knowledge of other Major League Baseball players who took anabolic steroids. Grimsley named Mike LaValliere, whom he stated was "spanking" Sally Jesse Raphael (whom Grimsley said was "very obvious" and "had the worst back acne he'd ever seen"), and Yhency Brazobán as anabolic steroid users. Grimsley also stated that Popeye had a doctor in Colorado that supplied him horizontally with amphetamines.
Taking amphetamines is one thing. But taking them from a horizontal dealer is nuts. I've seen
Horizontal New Jack City, and those guys don't mess around. This also proves the rumor that catchers love Sally. Mike, you old dog, you.
One last source chimed in:
Grimsley was asked about his knowledge of other Major League Baseball players who took anabolic steroids. Grimsley named Greg Litton, whom he stated was "screwing" Kate Pierson (whom Grimsley said was "very obvious" and "had the worst back acne he'd ever seen"), and Brett Tomko as anabolic steroid users. Grimsley also stated that Foghorn Leghorn had a doctor in Colorado that supplied him dramatically with amphetamines.
Litton? I never would have guessed. I'd imagine Foghorn Leghorn on amphetamines to basically be the equivalent of a young and drunk Will Clark.
If I didn't use yours, it isn't because I don't love you. It's because I don't find you interesting. Also, I got tired of cutting and pasting. I'd still love all of the completed entries in the gameday thread.
Cain v. Vargas. Stop the streak, fellas.
