In the spring of 1998, fantasy baseball owners had a fever. And the only prescription was more Mike Lansing. The old math, regarding the Rockies:
Therefore, we had every right to expect:
Mike Lansing, 1998, Colorado Rockies - 572 AB, 56 HR, 190 RBI, 180 R, .489 BA, four dragons smote, seventeen maidens bedded.
Coming into San Francisco, this year's version of the Rockies are hitting .265/.331/.413 in Coors Field, and .266/.334/.454 on the road. Their ERA is 4.03 at home, and 4.39 on the road. They're also winning. There are two, and only two, possibilities here:
- The Rockies are using science to suppress runs at home, and science to keep their hitters sharp on the road.
- They're using black magic and godless rituals. A Google image search for "Kevin Ritz" and "druid's robe" came up empty, but I will remain vigilant.
- The Rockies are working with the NSA, in conjunction with Lockheed-Martin, to test some sort of run-suppressing technology with military implications. A Google image search for "a super air-decompressing robot, possibly made to look like Dante Bichette, and with military implications" came up empty, but I will remain vigilant.
- They got, like, a bigger humidor.
Now guys like Brad Hawpe and Matt Holliday are hitting wherever they play. Garrett Atkins has become what Sean Burroughs was supposed to be, and the pitchers are actually preventing runs from scoring. I'm still not 100% sold on the team, as the pitchers are allowing more baserunners than the ERA would suggest. And we're still just a quarter of the way through the season, so sample size questions are still valid. The home numbers have only come in 23 games. Funny things can happen in 23 games.
Still, I don't like it. The Rockies stink on the road, and they reserve the right to bludgeon you to death in their stadium. I refuse to recognize this new, normal team, and consider their revolution invalid. I don't understand it; therefore I fear it. That's the American way.