The Rockies are Coming!

In the spring of 1998, fantasy baseball owners had a fever. And the only prescription was more Mike Lansing. The old math, regarding the Rockies:

He was going to Coors Field. Coors Field, don't you get it? The place where bad hitters became good, average hitters became great, and great hitters became gods. The Rockies used to score 1,000 runs and give up 1,000 runs. Fantasy baseball enthusiasts knew what to expect, baseball purists knew what to grumble about, and the Rockies were on the path to a gradual and begrudging acceptance in baseball. They were also usually a bad team, which was appreciated.

Coming into San Francisco, this year's version of the Rockies are hitting .265/.331/.413 in Coors Field, and .266/.334/.454 on the road. Their ERA is 4.03 at home, and 4.39 on the road. They're also winning. There are two, and only two, possibilities here:

1. The Rockies are using science to suppress runs at home, and science to keep their hitters sharp on the road.
2. They're using black magic and godless rituals. A Google image search for "Kevin Ritz" and "druid's robe" came up empty, but I will remain vigilant.

The Rockies started keeping game balls in a humidor, so the added moisture would stop the ball from carrying. That seemed to have an effect, but offense was still king at Coors. So if the humidor wasn't the full answer, what in the heck are they doing now? I see only two, and only two, scientific possibilities:

1. The Rockies are working with the NSA, in conjunction with Lockheed-Martin, to test some sort of run-suppressing technology with military implications. A Google image search for "a super air-decompressing robot, possibly made to look like Dante Bichette, and with military implications" came up empty, but I will remain vigilant.
2. They got, like, a bigger humidor.

I don't know. Regardless, the task at hand for the Giants is a difficult one. The Rockies have had mini-spurts of contention in past seasons, but every non-Helton hitter would always fall apart on the road. Especially in San Francisco, too, which almost made up for the nightmares the Giants would endure in Denver.

Now guys like Brad Hawpe and Matt Holliday are hitting wherever they play. Garrett Atkins has become what Sean Burroughs was supposed to be, and the pitchers are actually preventing runs from scoring. I'm still not 100% sold on the team, as the pitchers are allowing more baserunners than the ERA would suggest. And we're still just a quarter of the way through the season, so sample size questions are still valid. The home numbers have only come in 23 games. Funny things can happen in 23 games.

Still, I don't like it. The Rockies stink on the road, and they reserve the right to bludgeon you to death in their stadium. I refuse to recognize this new, normal team, and consider their revolution invalid. I don't understand it; therefore I fear it. That's the American way.