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Tommy Lasorda doesn't like Barry Bonds


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That sound you heard was my heart breaking. You might have thought it was the sound of a thousand pieces of fine china tossed on a cement floor, with 30 Kodiak bears in the background all trying to pass a kidney stone, but you'd be wrong. That's just what my heart sounds like when it breaks this bad. Tommy Lasorda is not going to participate in any celebrations revolving around Barry Bonds' home run chase.

Stop! Close that window! Step back! You have people who love you!

I know we all pictured the Giants brass huddling around a conference table, trying to figure out the best way to get Lasorda involved, but that's just not going to happen now.

Marketing Exec 1: Okay, okay. After Willie Mays gives Bonds an embrace, a helicopter flies over with Tommy Lasorda dangling from a wire harness. He's holding a sign that reads, "Congrats, Barry. XOXOXOXOX, Tommy."

Marketing Exec 2: I like it, but we don't have time to clear that with the FAA. How about we have Mays give a short speech, and then send Tommy out from centerfield, riding an ostrich, and carrying a lance.

Exec 1: Why an ostrich?

Exec 2: To celebrate the upcoming release of "Tommy Lasorda Joust" on Sega Genesis.

Exec 1: Actually, that was "Tommy Lasorda Baseball". And it was released about 17 years ago. And I'm not sure if ostriches are meant for that.

Exec 2:  Well excuse me, Baron Von Current Events. C'mon, let's keep the ideas coming.

Exec 1: How about this one; we build a pneumatic lift under the pitcher's mound. After Bonds crosses the plate, and receives congratulations from his teammates, the mound splits open. Smoke bombs go off, and fireworks shoot out from the side of the mound. The lift comes up, and as the smoke clears: Tommy.

Exec 2: Oooooh! And we can play the entire soundtrack to The Who's Tommy over the PA, Lasorda holds hands with Bonds, and they make 72 laps around the park.

Exec 1: Bingo.

Exec 2: And maybe Bonds can ride on Tommy's shoulders.

Exec 1: So...make Tommy the ostrich? Of course. That's just crazy enough to work.

Exec 2: I'll call Andrew Lloyd Webber and see if he can't whip something up.

Oh, my. It would have been something. But Lasorda just had to take the first moral stance of his life now, when Bonds is approaching not breaking a record. Amazing.

Most of us are a little uncomfortable with the whole Bonds thing. Maybe even a lot uncomfortable. He's not a pleasant person, and he's become the mascot of a performance-enhancing generation. It's hard to defend him, hard to not feel sorry for him, and impossible to flick a switch on the back of our skulls to make us unable to appreciate his talents. In this sea of ambiguity, it's nice to have some constants. Some absolutes. Things we can never take for granted. Such as this:

Tommy Lasorda is still a braying ass.

Bring on the Dodgers, and, oh sweet mercy, how I hope Bonds hits two into the water and they stop the game for three hours to do a ceremony. Doves. Fireworks. Willie Mays giving a speech. Then Willie McCovey. Throw Willie McGee in for good measure. A reprise of the Star-Spangled Banner. More doves. More fireworks. And we could all look into the Dodgers dugout, watch the players get restless and fidgety, and tell each and every one of them to sit on it. Oh, yes Virginia, I have a dream....