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The Return of Barry Bonds

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There have been so many close calls and flurries of misdirection regarding the return of Barry Bonds since March, that it was easy to ignore the latest chatter. No longer. He's close. Will it be today? Tomorrow? In 2006? What happens if Bonds comes out of Joseph of Arimathea's tomb, and doesn't see his shadow? Six more weeks of rehab? I...can't...take...this...much...longer.

The Giants recent surge has made any likelihood of a Bonds return twice as interesting. Can he field? Can he run? How has the swing held up? I...can't...take...this...much...longer. With the team still five games back, it would be folly to assume the Giants are the favorites in the division if Bonds returns. Five games is five games is five games, and there is no idea of what kind of baseball player Bonds will be. Still, if Bonds comes back at 60% we'll have the pleasure of watching one of the greatest players ever combined with a pennant race. We would have all accepted an invitation to be interested in September were it offered in June.

There's a story floating around that Bonds got in a clubhouse scuffle with an unnamed pitcher, though rumors are pointing to Jason Christiansen. Let's see if I can recreate the situation:

Christiansen: When Picard was 37, he was only captain of the lowly freighter Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was captain of the flagship Enterprise. I think that speaks volumes.

Bonds: Bah. The Stargazer wasn't a freighter. It was a starship. And, come now, Kirk's Enterprise wasn't the flagship. It was just one starship among many. The Enterprise D, now that's the flagship. Oh, and it was commanded by a man named Picard. Maybe you've heard of him.

Christiansen:  Spare me the history lesson. Picard is just some namby-pamby bureaucrat who is always whining about the Prime Directive.

Bonds: Kirk just screwed up every paradise he came across because he wasn't happy if people weren't suffering. He's the reason for the Prime Directive.

Christiansen: And Kirk looks better with a ripped shirt.

Bonds: Picard's shirt wouldn't rip, since the Starfleet of his time was willing to shell out the bucks for a proper uniform.

Christiansen: Maybe we should see what you'd look like if I kicked your ass, and ripped the shirt right off of you.

Bonds: Any time, Kirkophile.

The two start wrestling and throwing punches

Now, maybe this is just me, but the idea of Christiansen so much as blowing bad breath on Bonds makes me shudder. If Bonds had stolen the urn containing the remains of Christiansen's grandparents, dumped them out in front of Christiansen's locker, and rolled around in the pile like a sea otter on ecstasy, it would still bug me. Bonds should be able to snap his fingers and have any two players carry him to his car. Double standard? Of course. Nobody said the locker room was a Berkeley commune.

Please, don't touch the talent, Jason.

Poll

Kirk or Picard

This poll is closed

  • 3%
    Kirk
    (1 vote)
  • 27%
    Picard
    (8 votes)
  • 13%
    That lady captain who has the nasty smoker's voice
    (4 votes)
  • 34%
    The one from Deep Space Nine who wore a Giants hat once
    (10 votes)
  • 20%
    Grand Moff Tarkin
    (6 votes)
29 votes total Vote Now