clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

It could be turned into a musical, if you'd like....

From the transcripts:

Brian Sabean: Walt, it's Brian Sabean. How are you doing?

Walt Jocketty: Brian, good to see you. What are you doing in St. Louis? The series between us doesn't start until Friday.

Sabean: Rumor has it you need a third baseman.

Jocketty: Yes, unfortunately. It looks like Rolen might be out for the year.

Sabean: Well, I was in the area, and certainly didn't just catch a redeye flight minutes after hearing of Rolen's injury in a desperate attempt to unload a player I don't want, so I thought we could talk. I think we have one of the better third basemen in the game, and are willing to practically give him away.

Jocketty: "Practically" give him away?

Sabean: Aw, heck, we'll just give him away. He's yours. Sign here, here, and here.

Jocketty: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Which third baseman are you talking about?

Sabean: Former All-Star Edgardo Alfonzo.

Jocketty: I thought he wasn't good anymore.

Sabean: You thought...wait, you heard what? Man, who has been filling your head with crazy talk? Edgardo is in his prime. He can slap it to left field, slap it to right, and he plays solid defense. That sounds like everything you're looking for.

Jocketty: Yeah, but we're also looking for power to replace Scott Rolen. How is Alfonzo doing in the power department?

Sabean: Hey, like I said, he can take the ball to left or right almost at will. And you can't forget the defense. Also, we actually pay an intern to follow Alfonzo around to mop up the veteran leadership leaking from his pores. What a player.

Jocketty: That's great, but does he have power?

Sabean: Or.

Jocketty: Or what?

Sabean: I'm sorry, what was that?

Jocketty: Does he have power?

Sabean: No, it sounded like you said, "Or, what?".

Jocketty: I did, but after you said, "Or."

Sabean: "Or" what?

Jocketty: I don't know, you said...

Sabean: Alfonzo comes with a one million dollar rebate. You asked about his contract earlier, right?

Jocketty: Well, I don't think so, but now that you mention it...

Sabean: All you will owe is $1.5 million.

Jocketty: Wow.

Sabean: If you spread the payment for next year over the next four years.

Jocketty: What was that?

Sabean: For years, you've been looking for a third baseman as good as this one. For years.

Jocketty: No, we were very happy with Rolen, actually.

Sabean: For years. Hey, if you sign this right now here, here, and here in the next five seconds, I'm authorized to give you a million dollars! 5...4...3...2...1... Did you need a pen? Starting for real, 5...4...3...2...

Jocketty: Wait, don't you want something in return?

Sabean: What?

Jocketty: Trades usually involve things going both ways.

Sabean: (points) What's that?

Jocketty: This? An electric pencil sharpener.

Sabean: Wow, Larry was just complaining about us not having one. Sign here, here, and here.

Jocketty: Brian, I appreciate your time, but I'm going to have to say no. It's not you, it's me. I have this weird thing about acquiring bad players with terrible contracts. It just doesn't appeal to me.

Sabean: Oh.

Jocketty: Thanks for thinking of me, though.

Sabean: Well, would you like to buy some magazine subscriptions? Each subscription you buy helps me earn money to go toward the coming offseason. For just pennies a day, you can read about a subject that interests you, and help a needy team stay competitive through the harsh winter.

Jocketty: No. No, thank you.

Sabean: Can I just have a million dollars?

Jocketty: No.

Sabean: How about one of your good players? Like, if there are some you aren't really using?

Jocketty: Good day.

Sabean: Alright, thanks. I'll have my cell phone if you change your mind.