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Transcript from the McC First-Half Awards Banquet

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Applause

Thank you all for coming out tonight. This has been the best McCovey Chronicles First-Half Awards Extravaganza Gala Spectacular ever. Congratulations to Moises Alou on his First-half MVP trophy, and to the Scotts for their First-half Cy Youngs. Don't spend the award money all in one place, guys.

Forced laughter

The night is winding down, but not over yet. And now we're about to get to the reason you all stayed. It's time to present the award for First-Half Player Who Consistently Crushes Your Spirits In a Way That Could Only Be Recreated By Watching a Puppy Fall Down an Elevator Shaft, Hearing the Dull Thud As It Hit the Bottom, and Listening To It Yelp In Pain With Its Few Remaining Breaths Award. Well, we just might rename this one "The Neifi", after the winner for the past two years. But Mr. Perez is no longer with the club. It's time for some fresh blood.

Without further ado, the envelope please....

And the winner is....

Alex Sanchez! Oh, my! What an upset! Mr. Sanchez is not here tonight, so I have presented a short speech on his behalf:

What does Alex Sanchez bring to the Giants? Well, other than any communicable viruses he picks up from escalator handrails, absolutely nothing. This is how he was able to win the award even having only been with the club for less than a month. When the Giants signed him, it seemed like a pointless move. Now, however, it seems clear we can safely ditch the pointless label, and just call it for the awful mess it is.

A last place team watched him hit .355, and then released him. Even though this fact involves more red flags than an October rally in 1950s Moscow, the Giants jumped at the chance to add him. Sanchez is like Marvin Bernard, just not as good at the plate or in the field. Like Barry Bonds, without any of the talent and likable personality. Sanchez is blocking a prospect in Todd Linden, and is the favorite for the Most Likely to Give Jason Ellison a Concussion Award to be handed out at the end of the year. He gives nothing, and he adds nothing.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your award-winner: Alex Sanchez.

Wild applause

Here's hoping you hit .500, Alex. By this, we mean you catch one out of every two flyballs hit to you. We know you can do it. Good night, everyone!