Matt Cain Facts

Ooh a revenge story! Does Russ get a katana and a yellow track suit?

I think you'll find this helpful: http://www.mccoveychronicles.com/comments/2006/10/23/164058/84/19#19

I thought you might get a kick out of that. However, to eliminate confusion (considering your admittedly sub-Cain fastball), and to piss off physicists, I made it a small 'e' in the new version.

I don't doubt that you don't return Spielberg's calls... but, with all respect, that ain't because you are so big.

There is no such thing as a ___ ___ ___ Matt Cain?

who the hell is Jason Schmidt?

Fact: an intentional move by Cain, who realized he was being grossly underappreciated.

Fact: in his first start after the lemon clause was invoked, nullifying the new contract, Matt Cain struck out the first two batters, then struck out each of the next three with a pitch so hard the catcher droppd it. Loading the bases thusly, Matt Cain prepared himself some garlic fries, and proceeded to throw 3 straight 173 MPH slurveballs that just caught the plate at the knees. Inning over.

    * "Bill Brasky is the father of every kid in this town!"
    * "His poop is considered currency in Argentina."
    * "I once saw him scissor-kick Angela Lansbury."
    * "Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Brasky takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half -- until sure enough, someone constructs a bar around us. Well, the day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found 'em!'"
    * "He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road."
    * "He hated Mexicans! And he was half-Mexican! ...And he hated irony!"
    * "The story of Johnny Appleseed is based on Brasky... except for the part about planting apple trees... and not raping men."
    * "He did all the makeup on the Planet of the Apes movies."
    * "He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."
    * "He orchestrated the merger between UNICEF and Smith & Wesson."
    * "Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting? Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machete. They all begged for their lives...except Fleegle."
    * "We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it."
    * "Brasky's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong."
    * "Brasky named the group Sha Na Na. They did not want to be called that."
    * "If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' Pet Sounds."
    * "Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said it would've happened sometime."
    * "He breastfeeds John Madden!"
    * "He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident."
    * "Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky and I were in a production of The King and I? Anyway, on opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast, and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews."
    * "He sleeps eight hours a night! Well, he was pretty normal when it came to that."