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Around SBN: Dissecting Nick Diaz's Positive Drug Test

Choose your own opener....

174246766_ea2fd78204_tiny by Grant Brisbee on in News

The temperature is 81 degrees and sunny. You are the manager of the San Francisco Giants, and are playing a National League team that is in last place in their division, and starting Ramon Ortiz, one of the goofs responsible for the Giants losing the 2002 World Series in heartbreaking fashion. As in, he was so bad, he allowed the series to be close, and that broke your heart.

When filling in your lineup card, you want to put your strongest lineup on the field to keep your momentum going, but you also want to protect your older players' health. When you get to the third spot in the lineup, you pause and put the pencil to your lips. Moises Alou is one of your best hitters, but has also had a re-re-re-re-re-re-re-occurrence of some calf problems that have troubled him in the past.

Every game from now until the end of the season is important, so it is important to balance the team's performance with the health of individuals. What do you do?

Start Moises Alou (turn to page 12)
Start Steve Finley in his place (turn to page 14)
Start Todd Linden in his place (turn to page 17)

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Re: Choose your own opener....
My god, that took forever. If something didn't work, I'll fix it tonight....

by Grant Brisbee on Jul 25, 2006 2:03 PM PDT reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
That was awesome. I happened to catch the first, aborted attempt at that post before you fixed it, and even though all that was up was Page 44, I could immediately see we were in for something special.

Oh, and the next time any Giants starter is left in too long I am definitely stealing the "blood coming out his ear" line.

"I been waitin' a long time for this! I been waitin' since the f***ing amateurs!" --WILL "THE THRILL" CLARK

by Josh from Hollywood on Jul 25, 2006 3:02 PM PDT up reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
Seriously. Best. Blog. Ever.
Is it too late to become a Yankee fan?

by Punch Rockgroin on Jul 25, 2006 2:06 PM PDT reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
Lordy, Grant. Bored today??
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

by giantscatcher on Jul 25, 2006 2:07 PM PDT reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
The sad thing is, I didn't have much time to write today, so I chose goofy writing. Opinion writing takes forever for me, as I have to quantify and justify everything. Goofy writing just flows, dammit, so that's what I did.

Little did I know that the HTML and inner workings of the site design would conspire against me, at least as far as time considerations went.

And thanks everyone for the kind words.....

by Grant Brisbee on Jul 25, 2006 10:22 PM PDT up reply actions  

wow....
incredible.  Grant rocks the casbah.
Flossing a dead horse

by kenshin1 on Jul 25, 2006 2:11 PM PDT reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
I followed my choices to the end, and now:
  1. I have an irrational urge to Google "Warrior Girls"
  2. I still don't know why a polar bear is on a tropical island.
  3. I was apparently mistaken in thinking Vinnie Chulk was a real person - I'm deeply ashamed I fell for this ruse.
  4. I'm sending a get-well card to Todd Linden.
Waiting for Travis, Nate, Marcus, and Nick P.

by Lyle @ McCovey Chronicles on Jul 25, 2006 2:12 PM PDT reply actions  

If all you have an urge to do to the Warrior Girls
is Google them, I feel for you.
Mighty Casey would have taken Armando Benitez deep.

by Stuttering John Tamargo on Jul 25, 2006 2:40 PM PDT up reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
Start Steve Finley, who has the most hit points. Use your casting spells to vanquish Brad Wilkerson, then take his morning stars and give them to Felipe the Elf.

by Kitspool on Jul 25, 2006 2:15 PM PDT reply actions  

Boy am I glad
I declined to shake Mo's hand.  Too bad I had to get him injured in the seventh, but honestly I feel it was unavoidable.  Leaving Morris in with blood coming out of his ears may have been a little questionable, but at least there is an opening on the set of baseball tonight.
"San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina" - Ron Burgundy

by W8ingForATitle on Jul 25, 2006 2:18 PM PDT reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
You captured the Choose your own adventure books perfectly, it is very akin to being a Giants fan because, you never win.
"I want to dip my balls in it." Louie

by MeSoKrabby on Jul 25, 2006 2:19 PM PDT reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
That was incredible.  I love that old lawyer guy.  

I went through every link and am ok ending at the Warrior girl dance off.  

by out machine on Jul 25, 2006 2:19 PM PDT reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
warrior girls have social diseases. and troy murphy looks like a special needs child.
"Baseball is life, the rest is just details."

by nick @ McCovey Chronicles on Jul 25, 2006 2:19 PM PDT reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
The question that must be asked, is which social diseases do they have, because with a couple of those girls the risk might be worth the reward.

Just me or does anyone else think T Murph is the goofiest runner this side of Shawn Bradley and Elizier Alfonzo?

"San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina" - Ron Burgundy

by W8ingForATitle on Jul 25, 2006 2:23 PM PDT up reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
That was fuggin EPIC!  I laughed, I cried, I traded Liriano, Nathan, and Boof for AJ M*THERF***IN PIERZYNSKIYEI... oh wait.  Damn.  At least it's not if you win, it's how you play the game!  Now where's my scotch?

by shikantaza on Jul 25, 2006 2:30 PM PDT reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
I used to like these books. I used to like books.

Now, not so much. For the record, I tried to put in the Chulk and leave Matt Morris in b4 bring in Armanda.

DAMN YOU BLOWNETIZ!

I use my hand, to wipe my tears. And I blame Saybean.

by McPeePee on Jul 25, 2006 2:30 PM PDT reply actions  

friggin' beautiful
You just keep getting better, Grant, to the point where you're almost as funny intentionally as your site's ads are unintentionally.
"Robb Nen is going to get you" - Benito Santiago to Chipper Jones, 10/7/02

by Pants Man on Jul 25, 2006 2:36 PM PDT reply actions  

Genius
Now we know why the update was late.  But it was worth it.
Mighty Casey would have taken Armando Benitez deep.

by Stuttering John Tamargo on Jul 25, 2006 2:41 PM PDT reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
Whatever happen to the POSITIVE OUTLOOK?

Anyway you slice it i get that guy yelling at me (does he look like Jon Miller?). That, or some stupid game with nets and jumping.

But yes. This was awesome.

by tk on Jul 25, 2006 2:43 PM PDT reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
Freaking awesome.  I've only done one pass through this, but it is a tour de force.

by Skaldheim on Jul 25, 2006 2:46 PM PDT reply actions  

Fired
I'm crying at work right now and everyone in the office is staring at me.  Pure genius.

by SF Pete on Jul 25, 2006 2:47 PM PDT reply actions  

my, this was entertaining
Better than those old Infocom games. Coincidentally, I recently downloaded Zork after a wave of nostalgia hit me.

You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with a boarded front door. There is a small mailbox here.
>

by non sequitur on Jul 25, 2006 2:47 PM PDT reply actions  

Re: my, this was entertaining
You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with a boarded front door. There is a small mailbox here.
> TRADE FOR SHEA HILLENBRAND

I'm sorry, I can't understand that.

"The first point is whether my brain is still operating...I'll figure that out after the season." - Felipe Alou

by EliminateMe on Jul 25, 2006 2:54 PM PDT up reply actions  

Re: my, this was entertaining
> OPEN MAILBOX

Inside the mailbox is a vial labelled "VETERAN MOXIE."

>

by lunaticfridge on Jul 25, 2006 3:08 PM PDT up reply actions  

Re: my, this was entertaining
I got stuck at that point and gave up after 15 minutes. I am teh rox!
I use my hand, to wipe my tears. And I blame Saybean.

by McPeePee on Jul 25, 2006 3:05 PM PDT up reply actions  

Re: my, this was entertaining
I ended up in a maze of twisty, winding passages, all alike.
"'alice' was a very importent show to the hip-hop community, that show had mad flo" --pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth

by SerpentX on Jul 25, 2006 3:09 PM PDT up reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
Oh, and Felipe turned to Page 14. Me, I flipped to 17. Linden owns Ramon Ortiz. Well, at least Ortiz was on the mound for one of those games in Cincinnati last year that made us believe in Linden for a few days.
"Robb Nen is going to get you" - Benito Santiago to Chipper Jones, 10/7/02

by Pants Man on Jul 25, 2006 2:48 PM PDT reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
Friggin' brilliant.
club ph34r - comics! rally hippo - crappier comics!

by Natto on Jul 25, 2006 2:54 PM PDT reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
I tried to find the page where I could give Jason Ellison the start. Did Felipe tear that page out?
"The first point is whether my brain is still operating...I'll figure that out after the season." - Felipe Alou

by EliminateMe on Jul 25, 2006 2:55 PM PDT reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
Bravo. (clap)

(clap)

(clap clap clap clapclapclapclapclap...)

David
SPORTSZILLA - kickass sports writing

by David A. Arnott on Jul 25, 2006 3:03 PM PDT reply actions  

I went to page 18
Start Vlad Guerrero in his place.

Seriously, you need to do this at least every few months.

Mighty Casey would have taken Armando Benitez deep.

by Stuttering John Tamargo on Jul 25, 2006 3:04 PM PDT reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
I remember my buddy had a "You Are The Manager!" book, and the first choice was whether or not you wanted to start your soft-tossing lefty veteran on three days rest, or your Nuke LaLoosh type fireballer, Bombo Torres, on regular rest. There was also something about waving a guy in from second, and I seem to recall that sacrifice bunts were always the correct decision.
David
SPORTSZILLA - kickass sports writing

by David A. Arnott on Jul 25, 2006 3:06 PM PDT reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
Great stuff, I stumbled across this while it was being built and was totally baffled...now I'm toally impressed!
Signature: This gets attached to my comments. Limit 160 charaters.

by Goofus on Jul 25, 2006 3:06 PM PDT reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
That was truly inspired except for one thing...a day after asking for more positivity you create a joke blog that is entirely negative.  For shame.  :(

by positiveuphemism on Jul 25, 2006 3:43 PM PDT reply actions  

Grant, you've really outdone yourself
friggin' brilliant. I love the screaming dude pic. That's Hilliarious! I think we'll be seeing more of him around here in the gameday threads (and not just in the blogads!)
Commence fire sale!

by nostocksjustbonds on Jul 25, 2006 3:47 PM PDT reply actions  

Re: Grant, you've really outdone yourself
I just realized that Angry Lawyer Man looks a lot like one of Santa Cruz' resident street crazies, if you gave him a shave and dressed him in a suit.
"The first point is whether my brain is still operating...I'll figure that out after the season." - Felipe Alou

by EliminateMe on Jul 25, 2006 4:17 PM PDT up reply actions  

In case I forgot to mention it...
...I really love this place.
"The first point is whether my brain is still operating...I'll figure that out after the season." - Felipe Alou

by EliminateMe on Jul 25, 2006 4:03 PM PDT reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
Absolutely amazing.  This made my day.

by War on Jul 25, 2006 4:53 PM PDT reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
That was pretty damn awesome.  Almost makes up for not having the Giants or TV or radio down here in ol' Lompoc.  I hope there's more of these things in the future.  Maybe "choose your own deadline trade"?
Have I mentioned I dislike interpolation?

by Larson2042 on Jul 25, 2006 8:19 PM PDT reply actions  

Did anyone else
try to litter the different scenarios by posting futile attempts at humor?  Sadly, mine were all denied.

by Nick Schulte on Jul 25, 2006 10:13 PM PDT reply actions  

Re: Did anyone else
Sorry. When I disable comments, I didn't realize that it still teased you with a space to type comments. Now I'm wishing I didn't do that....

by Grant Brisbee on Jul 25, 2006 10:20 PM PDT up reply actions  

I keep trying...
hoping I can get to an ending where the Giants win the world series. Surely you must have hidden the code somewhere...
I use my hand, to wipe my tears. And I blame Saybean.

by McPeePee on Jul 25, 2006 11:53 PM PDT reply actions  

I've tried every possible scenario 17 times
and I will not stop until I get the result I desire.
If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear. -George Orwell

by StopBeingSoKate on Jul 26, 2006 1:33 AM PDT reply actions  

Re: I've tried every possible scenario 17 times
You mean the result you desire is not the Warrior girls?

by Nick Schulte on Jul 26, 2006 8:54 AM PDT up reply actions  

Re: I've tried every possible scenario 17 times
I don't think Kate swings that way.
club ph34r - comics! rally hippo - crappier comics!

by Natto on Jul 26, 2006 9:07 AM PDT up reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
That was fucking awesome.  I think I know that lawyer guy.  He does yell.

by my1gorilla on Jul 26, 2006 7:20 AM PDT reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
It was harder to use my finger to hold a page so I could go back to it in this format.
club ph34r - comics! rally hippo - crappier comics!

by Natto on Jul 26, 2006 8:15 AM PDT reply actions  

Re: Choose your own opener....
Just wow. Damnit, the Giants did win the world series, and I wasn't dreaming!

by Aadik on Jul 26, 2006 8:33 AM PDT reply actions  

yep
I know I'm late to the party, but wow.  Just... wow.

by alon91 on Aug 3, 2006 10:29 PM PDT reply actions  

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