Happy July 4, or AMERICA DAY. Let's AMERICA it up, shall we?
33 reasons why we love the US men’s soccer team
Is there anything more American than not caring about a sport until Americans are doing well at it? Well who cares because WOOOOOOO SOCCERRRRRRR. And now Tim Howard is the new Michael Phelps, who was the old new Lance Armstrong, though none of Phelps' s drugs were performance enhancing, other than maybe in a brownie eating contest. But Tim Howard would never disappoint us, and if he did he would save us from that disappointment. Get it? Save? That's a joke we only make in AMERICA.
Baseball player to keep smoking weed until he makes the MLB
This here is a fantastic example of innovative American problem solving. Sure, if you're thinking inside the box, you might think you should stop smoking weed. But when you get in that box, you see that it's a box that stores weed. And suddenly you have a new plan. A plan as awesome as...AMERICA.
Hot foots, farts and fights — but no bites — in sports video games
Have you ever wondered why video games, the most AMERICAN of entertainments, by the way, include some parts of games but not others? Like, you can throw at a batter because you just gave up a home run, but when he charges the mound you can't cower behind your larger, stronger teammates. Maybe he can't even charge the mound at all. What the hell, dev teams? I thought this was AMERICA.
Is a hot dog a sandwich? An extended meditation on the nature of America
If you've been on Twitter in the last ever, you might have noticed a raging debate about whether a hot dog is a sandwich. Here, Jeb Lund gets into the real meat of the argument. Specifically, the meat is cow anus and the parts of pigs not good enough to be specifically identifiable on your plate. But we choke it down anyway, and find it delicious, because we're goddamn AMERICANS.
The Giants Clustered Their Luck
Over at FiveThirtyEight, Jonah Keri takes a look at how the Giants got off to their hot start before falling back to earth and then through earth into the land of the mole people. He found that the Giants were unusually lucky in how they clustered their hits, as they were abnormally likely to cluster lots of hits in one inning, leading to more runs than would be expected from their stats. The good news is that this has all evened out, so the Giants slump can end anytime now! This logic is known in statistician circles as the "Gamblers' Thing They Think That Is Totally Correct".
And, uh, AMERICA, or something.
Photos from San Francisco Giants perform their pregame rituals
A lot of Giants have pregame handshakes with each other, but if I was on the team, I wouldn't. I would only shake hands with a bald eagle. Because I AM AN AMERICAN.