That was the worst game of the year.
Not the worst as in "worst outcome." You can pick any of the anthrax-laced games from the Rockies series if you're looking for unfiltered pain. No, we're talking about the worst baseball game. The game you would expect from Sri Lanka if they made it to a World Baseball Classic qualifying game against Cuba. A bunch of dudes standing around, looking at their bats, wondering which end to grip. Players coming out of the clubhouse, a mitt on each foot, a cap in each hand, asking where the pool is.
That was the worst baseball game of the year. This team is lousy right now. Simply lousy.
Wednesday night's loss was frustrating, but understandable. The Giants lost to one of the two or three-best pitchers in the National League, and they didn't look completely helpless, so it was more of a tip-your-cap, tip-your-damned-cap situation. The problem with accepting a loss like that is if the team loses the next game, the anguish from the tip-your-cap game is paid back with interest. It doesn't feel better that the Giants lost a game they were supposed to lose last night. It feels much worse.
Everything feels worse. These pretzels taste like toenails. My boxers are itchy. I need new tires. Does this look infected?
Here are things we heard on the telecast of today's game:
"He swings, and ... he falls down."
"And Molina is on with an infield single."
This could be two. The throw ... goes into the outfield. A run will come in, and the Cardinals extend the lead.
This could be two. The throw ... goes into the outfield. A run will come in, and the Cardinals extend the lead. (a different one)
This stuporific slog to the bottom is a total void. It's watching a team play like they're under the gravitational pull of Jupiter, sleepwalking through their own wake. Say what you want about the tenets of losing to the Rockies in the late innings three different times. At least it's exciting.
Things I don't care about: Madison Bumgarner pitching poorly at home compared to on the road. It's just a wacky distribution, proof that ballparks aren't magic (and more evidence that the Giants' OPS+ shouldn't be so high, and the ERA+ shouldn't be so low). Bumgarner didn't show up this season and finally realize with disgust that he was pitching for a bunch of tech-addled yuppies and fair-weather bandwagoneers, which left him unable to concentrate. It's like pointing to Jeff Kent's 1.000 OPS as a shortstop over three games. Maybe it means something. It doesn't mean anything.
Things I care about: Madison Bumgarner leaving pitches over the plate and missing with location again and again. Probably one of those games. It just stings more a) because it's the second one of those games in a row, and b) because the 2014 Giants are the worst baseball team in history.
"Take this vegetable garden, but beware it comes with a terrible curse."
"Oooh, that's bad."
"But it comes with nutritious kale!"
"The kale is also cursed."
"But you get your choice of dressings!"
"The dressings are made from liquids we found in Mike Murphy's hair."
"Can I go now?"
List of players with a career batting average against the Giants over .500, minimum 50 at-bats: Matt Carpenter
List of players with a career batting average against the Giants over .500, minimum 40 at-bats: Matt Carpenter
List of players with a career batting average against the Giants over .500, minimum 30 at-bats: Matt Carpenter
List of players with a career batting average against the Giants over .500, minimum 20 at-bats: Matt Carpenter
Three games against the Padres! Two with bizarre, inconvenient, and stupid start times. Have a horrible holiday weekend, everyone.