Giants lose to Reds again, get out-aced by Johnny Cueto

Ed Szczepanski-USA TODAY Sports

The Dodgers lost. Hear that, everyone? Good times.

Johnny Cueto came into Friday night's game with a 1.86 ERA.

He left with a 1.88 ERA.

Gentlemen, this is a victory. Do not minimize what you have accomplished. This is a moral victory. Park adjusted, he should probably have something like a 1.89 ERA.

★★★

If you remember those "Love Is" comics from the '70s, this next bit is for you. If you don't remember it, don't Google it, because you'll end up on an FBI watch list.

A comic with two baseball players, preferably fully clothed, titled "Slump Is."

Slump is ... when you say things like, "Other than that 10-minute stretch where our pitcher was the worst pitcher in baseball, he was pretty good."

Slump is ... when a ball that should bring up the tying run instead turns into an amazing play from an all-glove shortstop

Slump is ... honestly believing the game is over when the other team scores a run

Slump is ... not getting hope, not deserving hope, and believing such a thing exists

Here's the definition of a slump: When there's an ace-off -- a good ol'-fashioned ace-off -- the kind of pitching matchup that you might see in the first game of an NLCS and World Series, and you mumble something like, "Oh, great, another loss."

But Madison Bumgarner is one of the best pitchers in baseball. Where's the spirit, where's the faith?

Sorry, skip. The hits are gonna fall in. Hang your head. Get 'em tomorrow.

That's a slump. When you start thinking bad thoughts before a Madison Bumgarner start. There was no way the Giants were going to beat Johnny Cueto tonight. I mean, I thought there was before the game started, but now we have the benefit of hindsight.

Bumgarner looked fantastic, and then someone put a handkerchief over the fantastic, and then the fantastic turned into scorpions. We all freaked out, and then they put the handkerchief over the scorpions and turned them back into fantastic. But one of the scorpions stung us between the toes before that happened.

★★★

Ranking the top three hits from Friday night:

1. Tyler Colvin's triple
2. Pablo Sandoval's single just over the glove of the infielders to break up the no-hitter
3. Hunter Pence's seeing-eye single
4. Sandoval's other hit that was ruled an error by a pinko official scorer who is probably a RED sympathizer

Four hits. Ranking the top four hits.

★★★

Ranking Black Sabbath albums:

1. Sabotage
2. Paranoid
3. Black Sabbath
4. Master of Reality
5. Vol. 4
6. Sabbath Bloody Sabbath
7. Technical Ecstasy
8. Never Say Die!

★★★

Ranking P.T. Anderson films:

1. There Will Be Blood
2. Punch-Drunk Love
3. Boogie Nights
4. Magnolia
5. Hard Eight
6. The Master

Note: I absolutely loved The Master.

★★★

Ranking pies:

1. Coconut cream
2. Pumpkin
3. Banana cream
4. Peach cobbler
5. Apple

★★★

Ranking cake:

1. Brownies
2. Angel food
3. GTFO

★★★

Ranking Zeldas:

1. Link to the Past
2. Ocarina of Time
3. Wind Waker
4. Legend of Zelda
5. Link Between Worlds
6. Majora's Mask
7. Adventure of Link
8. Phantom Hourglass
9. Spirit Tracks
10. Four Swords

I haven't played Skyward Sword or any of the weird Game Boy Color ones.

Look, I don't know. The Giants aren't a 100-loss team. They aren't a 100-win team. I've never seen a clear definition between good and bad like this one, where a team looked like the best baseball team in existence, a well-oiled machine that could win the World Series in August, shortly before looking like the worst baseball team in the league.

But that 1-0 ruh-roh was real. It didn't feel like the Giants had a chance after getting down by a run, mostly because it's been a few weeks since we had evidence to the contrary. When the Giants get down right now, they stay down. Slump is.

June swoooooooooon. It's Friday night, go out to a bar. If the kids are in bed, they'll be fine. Leave a banana and a glass of milk by the crib, they'll figure out what to do.

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