A Bonds of Dingers: Naming a month's worth of Giants home runs

Brandon Belt hit 7 home runs that totaled 2,762 feet in distance or 0.5231061 miles, which, at pace of a 14 minute mile means 89 calories burned or the equivalent of 63% of an Olive Garden bread stick. - Thearon W. Henderson

Every baseball is sacred and every home run is its own special snowflake. Why must we coldly relegate them to a counting stat? Why not honor them with a unique identifier? Why not give life and identity to the wall-clearing balls that gave our identity as Giants fanatics extra life?

The Giants hit a lot of home runs in the first month of the season. Like... a lot of home runs, you guys. 34, in fact. That's 16 more than they hit last April (yes, I'm including orphan March games as being part of the first month), 14 more than April 2012, too. They ranged from totally crushed to just barely gone and either got out of the park in a hurry or took their sweet time. As Grant noted in last night's post gamer, April 2014 is the 3rd-best April in terms of total home runs hit in a month in franchise history. So, again, a lot of home runs. To use the official group noun for home runs, a Bonds of home runs.

But what were the names of those home runs?

I'm saying the Giants hit so many home runs in the first month of the season that we should recognize the accomplishment by naming each one. Let us not forget that these home runs existed... that we will not let them fade away. By naming them, we make them distinct, and through distinction we retain them as memories.

Here now, the list of Giants home runs from April and the names they should be given by their respective hitter.

1. "Mojo" - March 31, 2014 
Brandon Belt (414 feet off of Brandon McCarthy)
Reason: This really got Brandon Belt's power mojo going to start the season.

2. "Oney" - March 31, 2014
Buster Posey (453 feet off of Addison Reed)
Reason: For all the dramatics this homer provided (breaking a 7-7 tie in the ninth inning and off the newly-acquired closer for AZ), Buster Posey is still very vanilla and, as Brucy Bochy proves, catchers aren't really known for their imagination or flare when it comes to nicknames. They usually just add a "y" to the end of somebody's name.

3. "Leffy" - April 1, 2014
Brandon Belt (405 feet off of Wade Miley)
Reason:
A boomer off a lefty. If you filter the word "lefty" through the fictional "Nacogdoches" filter on Google Translate you get LEFFY.

4. "Bronson Arroyhook" -  April 3, 2014
Brandon Belt (368 feet off of Bronson Arroyo)
Reason: A hooking shot off of a Bronson Arroyo pitch.

5. "Bonita" - April 3, 2014
Angel Pagan (404 feet off of Will Harris)
Reason: Pagan hammered it and wound up bouncing off the patio and back onto the field. Typical Saturday night for him, quite a ride for that pretty home run.

6. "Ann" - April 3, 2014
Brandon Hicks (424 feet off of Josh Collmenter)
Reason: Him? Since it's likely that not even Josh Collmenter knew who Brandon Hicks was before this plate appearance and that not many casual Giants fans were even aware of him (they might've turned on the game and wondered, "Where's Scutaro?") it stands to reason that someone nobody has ever heard of could make his presence felt at such a surprising moment. Sort of like Arrested Development's Ann Veal.

7. "PUH" - April 5, 2014 
Michael Morse (427 feet off of Paul Maholm)
Reason:
Michael Morse's language skills only allow for him to name his home runs onomatopoeically.

8. "Barely" - April 5, 2014
Pablo Sandoval (379 feet off of Paul Maholm)
Reason: This one barely cleared the wall.

9. "Twoy" - April 5, 2014 
Buster Posey (395 feet off of Jose Dominguez)
Reason:
See previous Buster home run for naming convention. Although, another one to consider: "Kneedropper".


10. "First Blood" - April 6, 2014
Brandon Belt (418 feet off of Zack Greinke)
Reason:
The first of back-to-back home runs in what would prove to be the only two runs in a Giants loss to the Dodgers.

11. "Rambo 2" - April 6, 2014
Hunter Pence (430 feet off of Zack Greinke)
Reason:
They just couldn't remember the name of the sequel to RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD.

12. "Jumper" - April 8, 2014
Brandon Belt (393 feet off of Trevor Cahill)
Reason:
This one jumps off the bat and goes to one of the deepest parts of the yard. He got all of it.

13. "JAH" - April 9, 2014
Michael Morse (449 feet off of Bronson Arroyo)
Reaction:
Michael Morse totally JAH'd this. Even if he couldn't speak beyond onomatopoeia, Michael Morse would be well within his rights to name this particular homer a sound. That's the sound we'd all make if we hit a home run like this.


14. "Threey" - April 9, 2014
Buster Posey (379 feet off of Bronson Arroyo)
Reason:
Catchers make a nickname only by adding a 'y' to the end of a surname.

15. "Grandaddy Slammy" - April 11, 2014
Madison Bumgarner (415 feet off of Jorge De La Rosa)
Reason: Madison Bumgarner's upbringing suggests an appreciate for elders, therefore, "Grandaddy" is akin to an honorific. And he hit a danggum grand slam.

16. "Half Mast" - April 13, 2014
Pablo Sandoval (439 feet off of Tyler Chatwood)
Reason:
Because it hit the flag pole, you see.

17. "Goney Ballgame" - April 13, 2014
Brandon Crawford (381 feet off of Rex Brothers)
Reason: Brandon Crawford's first home run of this season is a walk-off into McCovey Cove of a left-hander.

18. "Brandon Stroker's Blastula" - April 18, 2014
Brandon Belt (367 feet off of Huston Street)
Reason:
Such an easy swing on a home run. Really just dropped the bat head and feasted on that pitch, siring it from a pitch to a home run.



19. "GUH" - April 19, 2014
Michael Morse (414 feet off of Eric Stults)
Reason:
Morse GUH-ot all of this one and he knew it.


20. "Foury" - April 20, 2014
Buster Posey (428 feet off of Robbie Erlin)
Reason:
Buster Posey's colloquial labeling of his fourth home run of this season.

21. "Lord Bangerton" - April 22, 2014
Hunter Pence (407 feet off of Franklin Morales)
Reason:
Pence's penchant for geekery means any chance he gets to slap a World of Warcraft or fantasy novelesque name on a baseball, he'll most certainly do it.

22. "SUH" - April 23, 2014
Michael Morse (458 feet off of Tyler Chatwood)
Reason:
SUH... as in SUH-liced to right center field. With authority. Power. 

23. "Right Stuff" - April 23, 2014
Brandon Hicks (407 feet off of Tyler Chatwood)
Reason: Hit very well to right center field. I don't think Hicks will do that very often...

24. "UFF" - April 23, 2014
Michael Morse (450 feet off of Tyler Chatwood)
Reason:
Because ... UFF... what a yank.

25. "Johnny Dingerously" - April 23, 2014 
Brandon Belt (397 off of Rex Brothers)
Reason:
He has no platoon splits.

26. "Tattooine" - April 23, 2014
Hector Sanchez (430 feet off of Matt Belisle)
Reason: Hector Sanchez thought he hit it to the fictional planet of Tatooine, which he assumes is spelled the same way as his favor thing on *this* planet: tattoos.

27. "破壊された" - April 23, 2014
Hector Sanchez (438 feet off of Chad Bettis)
Reason: That's "destroyed" in Japanese. Hector Sanchez later had this tattooed across his pelvis, fitting nicely between his hips.


28. "NUH" - April 25, 2014
Michael Morse (442 feet off of Carlos Carrasco)
Reason:
NUH as in NUH-tted, Morse-style. Also, it was on a NUH-2 pitch.

29. "Fivey" - April 26, 2014
Buster Posey (420 feet off of C.C. Lee)
Reason:
Buster Posey's fifth home run of the season.

30. "Gonefather" - April 27, 2014
Brandon Hicks (386 feet off of Cody Allen)
Reason:
A walk-off home run from the guy whose power has come from seemingly out of nowhere. Nobody thought he had it in him, but here we are.

31. "Centurion" - April 28, 2014
Brandon Hicks (412 feet off of Tyson Ross)
Reason:
Hit to almost dead center field.

32. "Just The Tip" - April 29, 2014
Angel Pagan (390 feet off of Eric Stults)
Reason:
This one hooked around the foul pole down the left field line, just barely a home run, but wound up being just enough for a Giant score.

33. "Sixy" - April 29, 2014
Buster Posey (414 feet off of Eric Stults)
Reason:
Buster Posey's sixth home run of the season. Were Buster Posey's naming convention not so vanilla, another name for this one might've been "Wait, Wait, Don't Hit Me!"

34. "Matthew McConaughey" - April 30, 2014
Brandon Hicks (351 feet off of Robbie Erlin)
Reason:
A right hander hitting a home run to right field at AT&T Park leaves me right dazed and confused.

So, there they are. We must cherish this month of power, because we know it could all disappear at a moment's notice, sometimes for months at a time (only to come back in September or the playoffs).

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