Okay, now I can admit I was worried. Really, really worried. Goodness, I was worried. Masahiro Tanaka might not be all that and a bag of 煎餅, but he's 25, and I pictured him on the Dodgers, annoying us, for the next five years. All the Dodgers had to give up was money. That's what they had.
Nope, he's going to the Yankees for a stunning seven-year, $155 million deal. To convert it into metrics you understand, that's Zito plus a Scutaro. The Yankees are apparently jerks again. Not that they ever stopped. But they were at least keeping their mouth shut and just looking surly.
This will come up again in the 2014 World Series, which is totally going to be Yankees/Giants, but in the immediate future, we can all breath just a little. There is no nascent ace from across the sea, no mysterious Brutus Beefcake to Clayton Kershaw's Greg "The Hammer" Valentine.
There's still a chance the Dodgers might trade for David Price. But with that chance comes the possibility the Dodgers get sucked into traded the modern equivalent of losing Elvis Andrus, Matt Harrison, and Neftali Feliz. Also, there's no guarantee Price would stick around past the two years. It would be awful for 2014 and 2015. But somehow I get the idea that Tanaka would have been worse.
What's most likely is the Dodgers sign someone like Bronson Arroyo or Matt Garza, someone easy to dislike, and someone with the same risks and limited rewards as most of the free-agent market. Both of them would make the Dodgers better, most likely. Both of them are not Tanaka.
Both of them are not Tanaka. The real Tanaka is going to the Yankees, which is just dandy. Until the 2014 WORLD SERIES, WHOOOP. Tanaka is not on the Dodgers. Tanaka is not on the Dodgers. Tanaka is not on the Dodgers.
Also, the Diamondbacks were being obnoxious and pretending to be in the Tanaka race. "Sure, you can choose between two historic franchises offering ungodly money, or you can, I don't know, be scared of gila monsters and sweat a lot, look, just sign with us, please." But I guess I should point out the Diamondbacks were also interested, and it's a good thing Tanaka is not on that particular team, too.
Though if the Diamondbacks figured they had money for Tanaka, maybe they have some for another pitcher. Cross your fingers for Ubaldo, everyone. We should be so lucky.
(Tanaka is not on the Dodgers.)
(I was pretty scared about that.)
(It's not drinking in the morning if it's a celebration. Your boss will understand.)
(I secretly hoped for the Giants to be the mystery team, you know. I'll never learn.)