Giants/Padres series preview

Denis Poroy

It's a short preview because you didn't want to read about this series anyway.

A list of relevant years:

1984
1985
1995
1996
2007

The Giants are in their 56th season in San Francisco.They've finished in last place five times. It's going to happen more over the coming decades because the divisions have fewer teams, but the larger point still stands: The Giants don't finish in last place very often. Some teams make a habit of it. The Astros finished in last place twice last year. The Giants, he typed with his nose in the air, simply don't do last place.

So think of this as a playoff series, then. The Giants are a game ahead of the Padres, and they would like to stay ahead for the rest of the season. Don't worry about the Padres getting a higher pick. They'll just screw it up. No, the goal is to watch the Giants finish anywhere other than last place, so this is a playoff series. The final series of the year has a chance to be one, too. Which means we have to treat them differently.

  • Going with the full ceremonial bunting would be a little much, but how about a bunch of stickers around the perimeter? Red-white-and-blue stickers if you have them, but any stickers would be a nice touch. "Skateboarding is not a crime." "Keep Tahoe Blue." Anything at all would be a nice balance between nothing and the ceremonial bunting you get with a playoff series

  • There's supposed to be a famous local band singing the National Anthem. San Diego would probably have Jason Mraz. Though they have P.O.D. songs on the telecasts (really!), so maybe that's a better bet.

    But I don't know if they can really sing. Let's just look through this list and … oh, Ratt. The National Anthem can be sung by Stephen Pearcy from Ratt. Their most famous album? Out of the Cellar. Beautiful.

  • Or Iron Butterfly could sing a nine-minute version of the Anthem with a drum solo

  • The Giants could just get Train or some crap

  • It would be over the top to get some fighter jets to fly over the park, but what about some doves or pigeons spray painted red, white, and blue and thrown off the top deck? The fans could all make the plane noises with their mouths. Nrrrrrrrrrooooowwww.

Stupid ideas? Every last one. But it's a playoff series, dang it. Of sorts. If you're being sad and depressing. But I don't want the Giants to finish in last place. Winning some games against the Padres would help their goal of avoiding that. This is the most important series of the year.

Maybe the mayor of San Diego could throw out the first pitch. Little touches like that would go a long way. Whoops, that last sentence in the context of San Diego's mayor was probably a bad idea. But while this might seem like a dreadful, boring series between two boring teams that are out of it, it isn't. Welcome to the playoffs, everyone. Fourth place, here we come! I'm a gonna buy all the fourth-place commemorative sweatshirts if they win this thing.

Hitter to watch
In an alternate dimension, the Giants made a huge trade for Chase Headley. The tendrils of suck from that deal are ripping through the fabric of space and time, and they're affecting him in this dimension. Sorry, Chase. But it wasn't the Giants' year in that dimension, either, and it screwed you somehow.

Pitcher to watch
You'll miss the Barry Zito Era when it's over. Savor it now.

Prediction
Okay, fine. Boring baseball. This isn't the postseason. I tried. But I can't fake it any longer. Padres/Giants games put me in a bad mood.

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