About 20 pitches into the second inning, you knew you had made a poor decision. Tim Lincecum wasn't hitting his spots, he wasn't hitting the spots next to his spots, and he wasn't hitting the spots behind the spots next to his spots. Jon Lester finished his half of the inning in six pitches. Carving out a little time for Giants baseball was a bad decision.
Then there was a balk to score a run. Lincecum slipped off the mound like it was made of margarine. Then there was catcher's interference. Again. For the second day in a row. Apparently that's a thing of Jacoby Ellsbury's. Then Lincecum couldn't get a third strike. Then your eyes glazed over with some sort of viscous discharge. It took you three more innings to notice.
It was a game designed to make you think "Well, this certainly isn't worth watching." If you paid attention to those signs and turned the game off, good for you. Maybe you made us sherbet with your free time. Maybe you watched a reality show on HGTV with an annoying couple that couldn't agree on anything, you lucky devil.
There have been a lot of unwatchable games this season. There usually are in the bad seasons. But it's a rare thing when Bruce Bochy completely agrees with you. In the seventh inning, the Giants were down by five. There was a runner on first and two outs. Guillermo Moscoso hit for himself.
That was a manager giving up. Or, to put it a better way, a manager not wanting to grind his bullpen into a finer powder to chase after the 0.1-percent chance of a comeback. Bochy put into action what we were all thinking. Screw this game, everyone's tired. If there are any marketing people reading, you just might have a head start on the 2014 slogan.
San Francisco Giants Baseball: Screw this, everyone's tired.
The Warriors wouldn't have sent Moscoso to the plate at the end of the 2011-2012 season. But Bochy did it on Monday night. Can you even get mad about it? A two-run homer gets the Giants within three, which makes the Red Sox bring in their closer, which … yeah, forget it. For what? For whom? That was the managerial equivalent of Bochy putting his headphones on, staring at the ceiling, and thinking about how he hates everything.
That's what it was like for us to watch it, too. I've never seen a manager give up with a five-run lead. I've never seen a team that deserved that lack of faith, now that you mention it.
A bunch of Red Sox fans, who know nothing but life with the DH, watched that game. If they ask you about it, pretend like they just don't get the intricacies. Give the non-move a name. "That's a Dutch Wilhelm. Helps the best hitters in the lineup come up sooner. Forget it, you know what? Keep enjoying your lumbering oafs who can't play in the field. We'll be over here enjoying real baseball."
And after you say that you'll be enjoying real baseball, leave quickly. Because a tear is about to fall down your cheek. Let it. It's been a long time since you've enjoyed real baseball.
At least Shane Victorino got hit by a pitch.
Awesome tryout for the AL East next season, Timmy. They'll keep your resume on file and call you if they have any questions.
I've lived a good life. But not a perfect life. I've done some bad things. I have regrets. Which is to say, if there's a heaven, I'm not sure I'd go there. But I don't think I'd deserve the alternative, either. I think it would be purgatory for me.
Here's what purgatory is: Guillermo Moscoso pitching. Looking in. Stepping off. Looking in, coming set, looking in, stepping off. Ball. Looking in. Stepping off. Fish out of water? Looking in. Looking in. Looking in. Stepping off. Strike.
Hit. Looking in. Stepping off. Wiping the brow. Looking in. Fish out of water? Looking in. Looking in. Looking in. Looking in.
Stepping off. Looking at first. Stepping back on. Looking in. Fish out of water? Stepping off. Picking up a rosin bag. Looking at the rosin bag. Doing that biff-baff thing where he tosses the rosin bag up and hits it with his palm before the back of his hand. Stepping off.
And all the while, it's not that bad. It's still baseball. Hey, there are things to watch, great time at the yard, and all that. But it's not good, either. It just is. An endless, looping Moscoso outing. Forever and ever.
Don't pick your nose in church is what I'm saying.
Did you know that of the six Guillermos to play in the majors, four of them were Giants? And not one of them was interesting. Guillermo Quiroz's last name starts with a "Q." That puts him on top of the Guillermo Power Ranking of Interesting Things.