Giants sign Jeff Francoeur, make some sort of artistic statement

Hannah Foslien

Maybe it'll be funnier after a cup of coffee.

You kept saying, "Now this is rock bottom" last night. You thought it during the no-hitter. You thought it as Belt struck out five times and the Giants left a small hamlet on base. You were so sure.

Keep saying it. Keep saying we're there. It doesn't matter if you look down at your feet. This isn't Loony Tunes. The fall will go on if you acknowledge it or not. The Giants signed Jeff Francoeur. He is, quite possibly, the worst player in baseball. I went to bed five hours ago, desperately avoiding any thought of the words "rock bottom." That didn't work.

If Jeff Francoeur is the answer, the question is "... screw it?" Yes, screw it. Throw it to a wall, see if it sticks. Maybe he'll have a hot streak like Eugenio Velez in 2009, or Kevin Frandsen when he first came up. Maybe he'll have a power surge like Dan Ortmeier at the end of 2007. These are the things you're hoping for. Unrealistic baseball mirages. Because he can't hit.

He can't really field, either, you know.

But he's a really, really nice guy. Supposedly one of the crown princes of baseball. An outfield of Francoeur, Torres, and Pence will have quite possibly the highest NICE+ marks in history. It could be worse. Jose Guillen was both awful and surly.

Jose Guillen is the analogue, the template. Awful player the Royals were done with, who is likely to be awful. The Giants have problems reaching base. Francoeur is bad at that. The Giants have problems catching the ball. Francoeur is bad at that. This is a bottle in the middle of Death Valley, with "LIHGTENING" scrawled on the side in crayon.

Maybe he'll get hot like Velez. Maybe the power will surprise like Ortmeier. MAYBE THE GIANTS WILL GET LUCKY. BASEBALL IS WEIRD EVERYONE. BASEBALL IS WEIRD.

Rock bottom doesn't have to come until 2048. There are a lot of stops on that bus route. This is one of them.

Jeff Francoeur is on the Giants.

Yuniesky Betancourt wakes up on a commercial airplane, bags packed, unsure where he is or where he's going. A crumpled ticket is in his right hand. He slowly uncrumples it to read the destination ...

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