Brian Wilson signs with Dodgers

Christian Petersen

Gross.

Gross.

That's the only possible reaction. Gross. Well, there's also rage and sadness and disbelief. Help yourself to any of those. I'm sticking with gross. This is your mom getting drunk and making out with Tommy Chong, but with more hair.

If you want to take the analogy further, this move during this season is like your mom making out with Chong in the back of the court while you're getting arraigned for larceny. It's awful, unspeakably awful, and then you have to look in the back and see that?

Gross.

This is about Brian Wilson signing with the Dodgers, of course. Ain't that a herring upside the head. Brian Wilson on the Dodgers. With the game on the line and Jeff Francoeur at the plate, Brian Wilson will emerge from the shadows and strike him out. The Dodgers will win. Wilson will make his post-game gestures. He's in the game in the ninth because the score is 9-1, of course, don't get me wrong. But this is something we'll have to watch.

I see you've shut up about rock bottom. That's good. Because Wilson getting a key out in an NLCS game -- against the Pirates, of course, because there's still some way the Giants will screw over the Pirates -- would be pretty rock-bottomy. And there are trap doors beneath that.

I will say this: There probably isn't a beloved Giant in history who will be easier to turn on. Maybe Jeff Kent was up there. But Wilson takes the easy-to-turn-on crown right away from him. Because we can all agree that Wilson was never funny, right?


Good god, what was that Taco Bell commercial? What kind of skiffle-craze did we just wake up from? He was a human pog collection, and now we can appreciate just how strange and fleeting it all was.

And you know what really bugs me? That post-game celebration. I know there are personal reasons for the gestures, but it's still a little much.

And what's up with that beard? It's like, come on. Come on.

When Brian Wilson jogs to the mound at AT&T Park, he will receive a career's worth of boos, alright. A career's worth of boos. And that's how we'll get over the disappointment, the grossness. Booing until our lungs hurt. Traitor. Turncoat. Benedict Arnold. How dare he. HOW DARE HE?

Sure, the Dodgers are a contending team who gave him the best opportunity and chance to play meaningful baseball, and this is a man's livelihood and career, which is sort of personal, especially considering that he knows he's probably not going to be one of those pitchers who lasts until he's 40, like Mariano Rivera, so he has to maximize every opportunity, and that's all he's really thinking about, so it's not really a big deal for him to accept a job with one of the 29 other teams.

But other than that, HOW DARE HE?

Still, gross. I get why Brian Wilson did this. I don't begrudge him his chance to pitch for a contender. And while I'll boo, I'll boo using the ol' boo-clap that I patented for Kent. Boooooooo clapclapclapclap booooooooooo clapclapclapclap.

But skip to 1:08 to see how we'll feel in a decade. That's Kent at a podium, wearing a Giants uniform, like nothing happened. Wilson will come to a game in 2024, his face will be on the scoreboard, and everyone will clap. Maybe even stand and clap. It's hard to see that now. But I don't think the good folks at True Blue LA will ever have the need for a page like this. We do, and that's why it's pretty hard to take this news without being disgusted or angry.

Or convinced that this is really, really gross. Because it is. That's the only way I can describe it. Gross. This is gross.

Gross.

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