Your official guide to moral victories

Didn't get injured! - USA TODAY Sports

Because the actual kind is in short supply this year. Between 70 and 80 wins? What are we, the Miami Heat?

You know how sometimes (for example, when your favorite team is getting beaten 11-0 by a high-kicking, Creed-reject, red-hooded-sweatshirt-singing jackass*), baseball is going so badly for your rooting interest that you have to search for the silver lining, however green it may leave your neck the next day? (It's possible I'm mixing metaphors here, but I watched Eric Surkamp throw a salamander instead of a baseball a couple days ago. The salamander bit Brandon Crawford. Brandon Crawford is listed as day-to-day with "light salamander poisoning.")

So when you're face-down in a (perhaps season-) long stretch of abject bed-shitting, it's time to scrape the bottom of that barrel and look for positive takeaways anywhere you can find them. To that end, I have devised a rigorous set of Giants-specific situations to look for and how many moral victories each of those conditions is worth. I think you'll find that, using this criteria, the Giants are doing PRETTY WELL for themselves. Yessiree, by golly. A PRETTY GOOD season, I'd say. Using these metric. Yep.

/stares into the middle distance for four hours

Moral Victory Conditions

When the Giants:

- Don't get no-hit (after being no-hit for seven innings or more): 1 moral victory

- Don't get shut out (after being shut out for five innings or more): 1 moral victory

- Put the leadoff runner on base in any inning: 0.25 moral victories

- Score the leadoff runner in any inning: 0.5 moral victories

- Convert a runner on third with less than two outs into a run: 2 moral victories!

- Pitch a shutdown inning: 2 moral victories!

- Strike out the side: 3 moral victories!!

- Hit a home run: 1 moral victory

- Don't pinch-hit for Brandon Belt against a left-hander late in a close game: 2 moral victories!

- (If Brandon Belt reaches base in the above situation: 77777 JACKPOT YOU MAY ALREADY BE A WINNER)

- Force an opposing pitcher to throw more than 10 pitches in any inning: 2 moral victories!

- Knock the opposing starter out of the game in the sixth inning or earlier: FIVE MORAL VICTORIES

- Reach base after getting into an 0-2 count: 0.75 moral victories

- Hit a three-run home run: 10 MORAL VICTORIES. ALSO IT MAY BE CHRISTMAS. CONSULT A CALENDAR.

- Relievers don't give up any runs: 1 moral victory

- Don't hit into a double-play with a runner on first base: 0.75 moral victories

- Win a game: No moral victories (THIS IS THE REAL DEAL. RELAX AND TAKE DEEP BREATHS.)

* For example

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