The midsummer classic has come and gone, meaning sports editors around the country now have to fill eight column inches on page 6B, after the five pages of breathless college football prognostications. Here, for some reason, is the second annual All-Star galoots list, in which we celebrate large, typically hirsute gentlemen who carry on the legacy of our national pastime and are very beefy.
The Braves are probably the galootiest team in the National League, and for this I am grateful. Dan Uggla is a kind, gentle man whose docile exterior masks an inner tension. He is the guardian of his forearms. Should their power ever be loosed from his body, the world as we know it will be ravaged to the point of inhabitability. The oceans will boil away and the sun will burn out, leaving behind only a cold, gray cinder once known as Earth. So he just hugs Freddie Freeman a lot.
Brian McCann, Atlanta Braves
I keep petitioning Celestial Seasonings to market a "ginger bear" tea in honor of Brian, but have yet to hear back. I consider this one of the great failures of the Obama administration.
Let's see...Olive Garden, check. Default facial expression...annoyance. Check. Went on a date with Bumgarner...check. Shares two-thirds of my name...check. Favorite former Communist republic...Czech.
Evan Gattis, Atlanta Braves
I remember when people first told me about Evan Gattis. They said he'd be an acceptable bear while Brian McCann was on the disbearbled list. I didn't realize at the time how right those predictions would be. My god, he's gorgeous. He seems like a very nice, approachable guy. He hit 79 home runs in just four games back in May. If it turns out he enjoys showtunes, I might just have a foot in the door.
I know what you're thinking, and you're right. This man needs a tummy rub immediately. I'm on it, America.
Mike Trout, Los Angeles Angels of Southern California
They should have sent a poet.
Josh Hamilton, Los Angeles Angels of fo Slegna Selegna Sol
You know that Head and Shoulders commercial where Hamilton leaps up to catch a ball and is himself caught by a fan who then sniffs his hair? I strongly lobbied to be that fan. Why the team eventually issued a cease-and-desist baffles me to this day.
I wasn't too sold on Konerko. But a friend of mine really, really likes him. So there's something to be said for the power of suggestion. And daddy bears. I've also learned that Konerko has met both Presidents Bush (43) and Obama, and frankly that's the kind of bipartisan spirit we need in this country.
Bud Norris, Houston "Astros"
Norris, what with his Bay Area ties, is a favorite of mine. He's got good hugging arms. You know I mean? The kind that feel safe and sturdy. Bud Norris is 7.9 Altuves cool (source: National Institute of Standards and Technology).
Adam Dunn, Chicago White Sox
I would venture that since JIM JAM's retirement, Adam Dunn is the reigning galoot of the American League. He's pretty much the archetype.
"Mike Napoli" just sounds like a Boston name. It's the kind of name that flows trippingly from the tongue as some drunk Masshole wearing a flat-brimmed Boston 'B' cap verbally assaults you about how "wicked" and "pissah" Napoli is. Right before he "passes out" in his "cah" from too much "YAY-guh."