The good news: After every good Diamondbacks season, something good happens for the Giants. They won the division in 1999; the Giants won it in 2000. They went to the World Series in 2001; the Giants went the next year. They won the division in 2002; the Giants won 100 games in 2003. They won the division in 2011; the Giants won the World Series in 2012.
Wait, the Diamondbacks won the West in 2007?
Stupid Diamondbacks. They ruin everything.
Which brings up an important question. Just how stupid are the Diamondbacks? That is, where do they rank on the NL West hate list? Do you even have an NL West hate list? I'm not sure if I do. Correction: I'm not sure if I did. Let's work on this together.
The difference between the Dodgers and the other teams on the list is like the difference between how I root for the Giants and A's. The A's are my second-favorite team. But you can park a battleship in the gulf between #1 and #2. I've never thrown something in anger after an A's loss, for example. Okay, maybe Game 3 in 2001. But that's it.
So the Dodgers are #s 1 through 50. We're just arguing about 51st place now.
#2 - Padres
Offenses: Brown-and-yellowing Willie McCovey, relievers with two first names, pitchers with lacrosse-bro names, Petco Park and the first half of 2010 … even though that kind of worked out, having a likable player (Tony Gwynn) who absolutely destroyed the Giants
I don't know. Is this an over-ranking? Really, what have the Padres done to us? The crimes of the Rockies are many. The Giants have had more head-to-head battles with the Diamondbacks in 16 years than they've had with the Padres in 45. Can you really hate a team like that?
They just annoy me. If teams had faces, the Padres would have a Clayton Richard face. Staring and grinning. Staring and grinning. And the games at Petco are so danged annoying.
Most of the time.
#3 - Rockies
Offenses: Coors Field, Neifi spawning, Coors Field, 1993, Coors Field, Todd Helton's goatee
Maybe they should be #2. Can't decide. But for now, the Padres are just a tick more annoying.
Alright, maybe it's a tie. The 0-13 record against the Braves in 1993 -- 0-13! -- pushes them close to the edge, but their generous donation of Marco Scutaro to the 2012 reels them back.
#4 - Diamondbacks
Offenses: Matt-napping, Curt Schilling and Luis Gonzalez, a pool, Todd Stottlemyre, Paul Goldschmidt
Don't sleep on that Todd Stottlemyre reference. Dude was a dillweed.
But as far as a reason to loathe them without remorse … the only two I had were the Matt-napping and them winning a World Series within the first 20 seconds of their existence. But that last one doesn't feel as bad since 2010. So we're stuck with the Matt-napping. And that's a big deal -- Matt Williams being a Diamondback 4 life bugs me beyond words.
Don't get me wrong: The Diamondbacks still annoy me. If the World Series were Diamondbacks/Yankees, I'd root for the Yankees. Diamondbacks/Red Sox and Diamondbacks/Angels would both make me root for the A.L. But compared to the other three teams, I'm not sure I can justify putting the Diamondbacks over either of them.
Although I do have a running spreadsheet of Paul Goldschmidt's career statistics with his line against Tim Lincecum subtracted. His career slugging drops 15 points without Lincecum. That's a pretty solid start if the Diamondbacks want to start moving up the Hate Rankings. Pretty solid.