You laugh now, but in October, starting left fielder Todd Linden is going to hoist a World Series trophy over his head, and you'll ALL BE SORRY. YOU'LL ALL BE SORRY. YOU'LL THINK BACK TO THIS DAY, AND YOU'LL ALL BE SORRY.
But until then, say, that was awful. Tim Lincecum allowed six runners. He usually calls that the "first inning." Not only did he keep runners off the bases, but he struck out eight. He threw strikes at a higher rate than he did all year -- 68 strikes out of 108 pitches. He looked good. He hung a couple of breaking balls, though.
When Tim Lincecum hangs a breaking ball these days, the ball flashes in his hands before he lets go. It's like he's Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson's Punch Out. Man, I couldn't beat that guy for the longest time, but when I figured out how to time his flashes, he wasn't a big deal. I could beat Mike Tyson today. Just give me a few warmups. 007-373-5963. You know where I'm at, sucker.
Because Lincecum hung a couple breaking balls, the world collapsed around him. I don't get it. I just don't get it. There was a 31-year-old named "Ed Lucas" who had two hits. When "Ed Lucas" was coming around third base and scoring on a single, Mike Krukow said this during the replay: "And … Lucas … with just too much speed …"
If Giancarlo Stanton hits a couple dingers off Lincecum, okay, that's in the list of acceptable outcomes. I'll even accept hits from a young, wild unknown like Marcell Ozuna. Seems like he swings at everything, but maybe that'll work for a while. He's probably pretty good.
But Ed Lucas was in the Royals' system for seven years, and they never called him up once. He probably lied his way onto the Marlins' roster like a latter-day Bob Benson -- "I actually was on Baseball America's top-100 list for three years running" -- and he was 2-for-5 with two runs scored.
What a waste. What a waste of a superlative Lincecum start. That was one of his best of the year, even adjusting for competition. He was mostly putting the ball where he wanted to, and everything was working for him. Except the part about getting Logan Morrison out. That and Ed Lucas.
Hi, Lucas family. You might have noticed that I was ribbing your friend and/or family member, Ed. See, it was a little tongue-in-cheek, as I root for a team that started "Nick Noonan," "Joaquin Arias," and "Hector Sanchez" on purpose. Then they brought in relievers who were afterthoughts on the 40-man roster when spring training broke. And now we're here. Don't take offense, Lucas family. I think we're more alike than you think.
When Sandy Rosario pitched extremely well on Thursday night -- lots of movement on the fastball, good break and location with the slider -- I meant to compare and contrast expectations for him and Jean Machi. Before the season, both were on the 40-man roster. But one of the two had gaudy strikeout numbers in Triple-A. The other one had a career walk rate of four batters for every nine innings he pitched.
Machi is the latter guy. He never had much of a strikeout pitch, and he walked too many hitters. But because this is a reliever we're talking about, it seemed natural for him to flip a switch and become effective. He has an awesome split now? He has an awesome split now. So I guess he's good.
And he still might be. But before the season started, I would have put a $20 on Rosario being the better reliever. Two weeks ago, I would have put $100 on Machi being the better reliever. Now we've swung back to Rosario. Bullpens! They're horrid. What a horrid sport. Who came up with this game? Probably a European or something. A swarthy one, at that. No, this is a horrid sport, and you've chosen poorly. The Marlins. Seriously, the Marlins.
The Marlins death fog claimed Andres Torres on Friday night. He was 35 years old.
Donations can be sent to Miami Dade College in lieu of flowers.
(He's day-to-day with his knee. X-rays were negative.)
Francis Ford Coppola was in the stands. He stayed for the whole game, too. My hypothesis: Godfather, The Conversation, Godfather II, and Apocalypse Now is the best four-film stretch from any director in history.
I would entertain thoughts of Alfred Hitchcock (Vertigo, North by Northwest, Psycho, andThe Birds, even though I don't really like The Birds), Akira Kurosawa (Rashomon, The Idiot, Ikiru, andSeven Samurai), or Stanley Kubrick (pretty much all of it). Maybe you can get creative with Billy Wilder and Ingmar Bergman.
Again, we're talking four consecutive films, not an entire body of work. Heck, maybe P.T Anderson has a claim if that's the criteria.
See? You're not thinking about the Marlins, now.