So I was sitting at home, getting thrown up on, when I thought I'd check the Internet one ... last ... time ....
The Dodgers and Diamondbacks got in a brawl. An old-school doozy of a brawl. Ronald Belisario was a berserker, Yasiel Puig threw an 80 punch on the 20-to-80 punch scale, and an impressive amount of baseball stars from the '80s got into it.
The video is here. It's worth watching. Perhaps several times. I'm not a violent man, but it's all fun and games until someone pokes your collarbone out. No one poked any collarbones out tonight, so it was all fun and games.
An annotation of the video:
0:06 Apparently before this, various Diamondbacks and Dodgers were living out our dreams and throwing baseballs at various Diamondbacks and Dodgers. Things got chippy, and Ian Kennedy threw a baseball at Zack Greinke.
It was a pretty horrible way to do it, though. The ass, Ian. You go for the ass. The reason the whole thing got so testy was because the baseball went near Greinke's head, which is something that could "kill him." Ian Kennedy should get a pretty lengthy suspension.
0:22 Juan Uribe is the secondary instigator of the whole thing, as he hunts down Ian Kennedy. He wanted to hit Kennedy so hard that his head would travel out to just beyond second base, where it would nestle gently in someone's glove. At one point, he shoves Cody Ross.
0:24 Someone shoves an electric eel in Ronald Belisario's pants.
0:30 Coach Turner Ward is shoved into the turnbuckle, almost dies
0:34 Miguel Montero is attacked by several dachshunds, who try to pull him down by the ankles
0:40 Don Mattingly throws Alan Trammell to the ground, which is a reverse metaphor for their Hall of Fame qualifications.
1:00 "No sense calling off names. They're all there." -- Vin Scully. Just the best.
1:08 Kirk Gibson shows up, favoring his left arm in a classic I'm-concealing-something-in-the-sleeve-of-this-jacket pose. It was probably a katana.
1:18 Perhaps my favorite part of the whole fight: You notice Jerry Hairston holding Willie Bloomquist back. He does this for, like, a minute, at least.
Hairston: Don't do it, Willie.
Bloomquist: I want an ear.
Hairston: Just hang back here with me, Willie.
Bloomquist: I'm coming out of that pile with an ear. I don't know whose. But I'm coming out of that pile with an ear.
Hairston: Willie ... easy, Willie ...
Bloomquist: I am so high on PCP right now. I want an ear.
1:25 Mark McGwire wants to bite Kirk Gibson's nose off. Matt Williams is holding them apart. It's like Girl Talk was a programmer instead of a DJ, mixing Super Smash Bros. and R.B.I. Baseball.
1:33 Matt Williams is the calmest man in the room. Mark McGwire is freaking out.
2:03 Don Baylor is hit by a pitch.
2:17 Right before Yasiel Puig throws a punch that will get him banned from baseball for life -- keep your fingers crossed -- Clayton Kershaw gives a great, "Aw, c'mon, I won't do nothin'" gesture to Williams.
2:40 Mark McGwire is in the middle of the scrum, acting like an animal. He was probably concerned that baseball was at the bottom of the pile, and he was just trying to save it.
3:21 Steve Sax is grey as a mule and in a Diamondbacks uniform. Oh.
4:40 Amazing shot of Montero staring at Greinke getting into the batter's box. I've never seen a more Sopranos look on a baseball field.
5:40 Wait, no, this is the punch that will get Yasiel Puig BANNED FROM BASEBALL FOR LIFE, though it was at Eric Hinske, which ... I don't know.
5:50 Oh, god, what would happen if Hairston isn't there? This could have been so, so much worse.
6:02 Steve Sax disappears and is never heard from again.
6:42 An alternate angle of McGwire acting like a spaz gives us the best moment of the entire video:
It's all about the reveal. McGwire is threatening, and he appears to be cowing Williams into submission. But when Williams's face comes back on-screen, he has had juuuust about enough of one Mark McGwire.
I'd take Williams. McGwire has spent his last few months teaching the Dodgers how to not hit. It had to rub off on him. And just when you thought you were irrevocably angry at Matt Williams for becoming a Diamondbacks lifer, you see a situation like this and have absolutely no question as to who you're rooting for.
Fights in baseball are lame. But fascinating. Oh, man, I wish I weren't so weak. They're fascinating. As long as no one gets their collarbone poked out, they're fascinating. This one just happened to feature my childhood, too.