Man, typing that is such a release. If you're new here, that first paragraph is a complete paragraph. It's a complete story, with ups, downs, chills, thrills, and spills. The characters in the movie learn important lessons. Namely, that Matt Cain exists and that he's better than you. Matt Cain. The greatest epic poem written by the Greeks in eight letters or fewer.
It's been a long time since we've been able to do this kind of Matt Cain feting around here. It used to happen every five or 10 days, but it's been at least since … jeez, last September since we could tell an entire story just by typing Matt Cain's name with a period at the end. He had to grind a bit through the playoffs, remember. The Reds games were grinders, Game 7 of the NLCS wasn't exactly top-tier Cain, and neither was the World Series outing. They didn't have the feel of a game where you could just type his name and expect it to stand as cogent analysis.
Did you notice that his Baseball Reference page officially lists his nickname as "The Horse" now? Not sure which governing body has to approve that, but it's fine work all around.
There were other things that happened, too! Buster Posey rapped a home run on a perfect swing against a hanging Tim Hudson slider. Posey grew up a Braves fan, which apparently means that he takes great pleasure in slapping them in the face with a herring every time he plays against them. If -- sorry -- when I make my big-league debut as a 50-year-old knuckleballer, will I feel the same way when I face the Giants? After I whiff an impatient Giants prospect in the year 2028, will it give me some sort of secret pleasure? Probably.
After starting every one of his last 19 at-bats with an 0-2 hole like some hotshot magician asking you to tie his wrists to his lips, Brandon Belt hit a double on a ball that bounced three feet in front of home plate. He's pretty close to evening up that BABIP gap we were talking about earlier in the season. His numbers still aren't sexy. But as Marco Scutaro has taught us, we're still at the part of the season where a hot week can fix the aesthetics of a stat line in a hurry.
Is Hunter Pence faster this year? Feels like Hunter Pence is faster this year.
/opens new Word document titled "Ways Hunter Pence freaks me out"
/adds note that he's getting faster
/closes document after failing to think of any other examples
But the story is really Matt Cain. He was good against the Dodgers in his last outing, but you had to couch that with ifs and buts and wells. There was enough unpleasantness in the first few games that you couldn't just wipe them away with a single good outing.
This one felt familiar, though. It was the kind of game that made you sit back, roll a Drum in the shape of Matt Cain, pour a pint of Matt Cain-flavored lager, and mutter "Matt Cain" under your breath as you enjoyed the rest of your night.
I'll be honest with you ... I've somehow made it until 10:30 without knowing a damned thing about the Warriors game, which I've recorded, so I'm hoping to cut this short. Hopefully, they've already won by now! If not, at least there was Matt Cain.
Here is a picture of a tortilla with Matt Cain's likeness on it. It was found by villagers somewhere in some place. We should probably make a pilgrimage there this winter.