As a man of modest means, I didn't have much to donate to the Alex Lewis Scholarship auction. All I had was this here website. I have an apartment here on the website. Well, it's a cot above the garage, but it stays warm enough. Can't complain. As such, the only thing I could offer up in memory of Alex was something related to the website. I auctioned off three chances to pick the topic of a story at McCovey Chronicles. Seemed easy enough.
Except, as you can tell by the title of this article, it appears there was a catch. A Dodgers fan won one of the auctions. DodgerFanInPackerLand, to be exact. You know him, you love him. He has received 315 recs, four troll flags, and one spam flag in his time here. He has over 16,000 comments at McC, yet he's not even a registered member of the fantastic True Blue LA. I fear we're becoming a little too comfortable with him lurking in our midst. We need to keep an eye on him, see what he reads, note who he talks to.
But for now, he'll get his wish. He gets to chose the topic of the article. And the topic he provided was this:
Luis Cruz Is the Best Third Baseman in the National League West.
DFIPL said that he contemplated making me photoshop Posey in a Dodgers uniform, holding up a World Series trophy. So you're lucky. I'm lucky. And, actually, I don't mind this topic in the slightest. I'm glad he picked it, to be honest. It's a great topic, and it lets me get something off my chest. Here goes:
I sincerely believe that Luis Cruz is the best third baseman in the National League West.
Let me explain, let me explain. I love Pablo Sandoval, but there's just something about Luis Cruz that makes him the best third baseman in the NL West …
Look at the numbers. Sure, he's hitting .100 with a .119 on-base percentage right now, and that's not good. But we're talking about small samples, people. Last year, Cruz hit .297 with 40 RBI in just 283 at-bats. He came up on July 2, providing an instant spark for a Dodgers offense that was kind of struggling. In August alone, he hit .333/.378/.476. That alone would make him the best third baseman in the NL West.
You might be skeptical, especially since Cruz had a very, very lackluster minor-league career. The only evidence that Cruz could hit in the majors came with his .348 OBP in Albuquerque at the start of last year, but that's only evidence if you ignore park effects. I could post a .348 OBP in Albuquerque, and I get winded opening an envelope. Cruz's career minor-league OBP is .296, which makes it quite a surprise that when he arrived in the majors, he was the best third baseman in the National League West.
No, no, I truly believe that Luis Cruz is the best third baseman in the National League West.
For me to poop on.
Literally. He's literally the best third baseman in the National League West for me to poop on. Not a joke. Think about this, people. I'm not trying to be weird, but if my uncle were being held by a Colombian drug cartel, and they wouldn't let him go unless I pooped on a third baseman in the NL West, it wouldn't even be a choice.
Just look at the other candidates:
Pablo Sandoval? I love that guy. And, really, if I were to poop on a Giants player, there would tremendous backlash. I could claim it was an artistic statement or whatever, but that's the kind of thing that will stain you for years. Also, stain me for years. I wouldn't be "author of some fringe website about stickball." I'd be "the guy who pooped on a Giants player" forever and ever. No thanks. That is not a label I want.
Chase Headley? He's kind of big! And he stole 17 bases last year, so he could probably catch up to me right quick. This is more of an option than Sandoval, but Headley also has something of a national profile. At least, as much as a Padre could have, so it would be another just-one-goat kind of thing for me. People would remember that, which is the very opposite of what I'd want.
Chris Nelson? I have no idea who that is. I'm a professional baseball writer, but I'm pretty sure that name is an alias for a famous, formerly retired player who doesn't want to make a big deal that he's back. He's probably Todd Zeile, which means he's 47. Look, just leave him alone. Todd Zeile didn't do anything to you.
Martin Prado is tempting, but he's the reason Justin Upton isn't in the division anymore. You have to respect that. There will be times that Prado gets a big hit and kills the Giants, and maybe after I see it with my own eyes. Until then, he's almost like a secret ally.
No, it has to be Cruz. Like, if I had to pick one. Again, this whole idea is completely unpalatable to me, and I'm a little offended and grossed out by the concept, but when a man pays for a front-page topic, he's earned the right to watch me engage in a hypothetical scenario. Cruz has that perfect mix of anonymity and onymity that I'd need in a situation like this.
Also, he's on the Dodgers.
That factored into the decision.
Add it all up, and I think I've made a very rational and compelling case that Luis Cruz is, in fact, without a scintilla of doubt, the absolute best third baseman in the National League West. For me to poop on. If I had to. Which I sincerely hope I don't, and you have my word on that. Thank you for your time.