There's no sense having an "ANDRES TORRES IS THE BEST HUMAN BEING IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD section on this site if we're not going to cover the latest news. And that news would be that Andres Torres is in the Giants' spring-training camp already, and he's saying stuff. From Henry Schulman:
"My heart is in San Francisco," Torres said, saying 15 times how "amazing" it felt to be back in the Giants’ clubhouse.
See, if Torres had said the same thing last year -- "My heart is in New York" -- and a writer there used it in the exact same sentence, with the "15 times" mention, Mets fans wouldn't have cared. This is why you are objectively better than them.
Torres watched the entire postseason on television, which he does not ordinarily do, and said he was as nervous as he ever has been.
Andres Torres pacing around the house during the Jay Bruce at-bat, twitching and yelping with each pitch. What if Andres was one of us? Just a slob like one of us?
... (Torres) told us the Dodgers were one of the teams hoping to sign him after the Mets non-tendered him over the winter. The Mets spoke to him about returning on a lesser deal. The Reds also talked to Torres’ agent.
But Torres made it clear to his agent that if there were any way to return to the Giants, then get a deal done.
It's not like we have to use our imaginations to find out what it would be like to see a World Series hero in a Dodgers uniform.
Well, that's not a GIF from the playoffs, but you get the point. It's from the World Series of Sad Broxton Faces, which is almost like the World Series. And when Uribe left, it was discouraging, but I wouldn't describe it as "devastating." By now, it's hard to remember he's even on the other side.
But that's because he's been so awful. If he were hitting 25 homers a year and playing good defense at third, it would sting a lot more to see Uribe doing well. We would have to root against him actively instead of enjoy his perilous decline.
I don't think I could root against Andres Torres. Even if he hit an NLCS-winning triple for the Dodgers, I'd probably still be excited for him. I'm not sure if there's another player in baseball I would write that about right now. But because he's the best human being in the history of the world, he didn't want to play with the Dodgers. Because yuck gross. I don't know if he turned down more money, but I'll choose to believe the Dodgers offered him a three-year, $50 million deal because they're the Dodgers.
No, said Andres Torres. "No, my heart is in San Francisco," he said, "just like that song by E-40, I think."
Is there a better possible omen than Torres being the first notable quotable in camp? Well, I guess Zito could have showed up with a 92-m.p.h. fastball. But other than that, Torres chirping away in excitement is already my favorite part of the new season. Now all they have to do is play some stupid games.