Rooting for the Red Sox

Jared Wickerham

FOR A WEEK. Just a week.

The only other option is to root for the Cardinals because they eliminated the Dodgers.That's a viable worldview.

But you have to root for the Red Sox.

Dammit.

This is so awful. It's not the Dodgers, but it's a showdown of Matt Holliday vs. Shane Victorino, and everything's awful, and society loses, and now you have rickets. Sorry about the rickets. But let's explore your options.

Cardinals
They've won more titles than anyone other than the Yankees.

Jose Oquendo punching Will Clark. John Tudor. Danny Cox. Matt Holliday crumpling Marco Scutaro. Matt Holliday crumpling Marco Scutaro. Matt Holliday crumpling Marco Scutaro.

Seriously, the Cardinals are the Dodgers with a PR firm. DON'T BE FOOLED. They're awful and the worst and awful. Look into your soul and think about a Yankees/Cardinals World Series. Who would you root for? The Yankees. Has to be the Yankees.

This is worse.

The Cardinals' only redeeming quality is they aren't the Dodgers. Literally the only redeeming quality. Do you want another team to do the feather-ruffling of two-in-three-years, two-in-three years? No. No, you don't. These assholes broke Andrew McCutchen's heart. Do you realize how awful that is?

Red Sox
Okay, there are issues with this team. Their fans are obnoxious when they're in opposing parks. There's a sense of entitlement, even though their recent success came after a legacy of heartbreak. They play in a beautiful park, and they're the arch-rivals of a truly repugnant team.

...

Look, I'm not the one drawing parallels. I'm just stating facts.

No, they're more palatable than the Cardinals, and it isn't even close. You can even take heart in the 90-losses-to-pennant-winner story. The Giants could use that sort of optimism after a wretched season. The Red Sox wanted their bad pitchers to be better, and that's what happened. Say, that'd be swell if the Giants' pitchers could do that next year.

The only thing against the Red Sox, other than the completely obvious, would be something like this:

Victorino_medium

Shane Victorino is worse than Matt Holliday. Victorino is worse than A.J. Pierzynski. He's the worst player in baseball. So awful. But it's not the Cardinals. And it's not the Dodgers. So, hell, here goes, here's the skinny.

Go Bostompy. Go Red Soompf. Go Rod Momph Srpf. Go oh screw this.

This is so awful. It could have been A's/PIrates. Indians/Reds. Tigers/Pirates. Instead, it's the worst of all worlds. But it could have been Red Sox/Dodgers. Imagine that. The current scenario is awful, but it's not rock bottom.

Go Rarb Soee ... Rup Ruoon Snerx ...

Dammit. Gross.

Honestly? Out of the 30 teams? The Red Sox and Cardinals might be #28 and #29 on the most-unpalatable list. The Dodgers are #30, and the Yankees are up there. But if there's a Mt. Rushmore of dick, the Yankees/Red Sox/Dodgers/Cardinals are on it. This World Series sucks.

No Dodgers, though! No Dodgers. That's the silver lining. No Puig Kool-Aid-Manning through the wall in Game 7.You have to take what you can get.

...

So what's up with Kaepernick's accuracy this year? And why do I keep forgetting to remember about Andre Iguodala? Boy, hope that Klay has just a smidge better selection. Also, hockey or whatever.

The Dodgers aren't in the World Series. That's the important thing. The side effect is that teams still left are unlikeable, awful.

...

Go, Yellowstone super caldera. End this. But if that doesn't help, well, go Red Sox. Gaahhh, go Red Sox.

Sorry. But they aren't the Cardinals. And they certainly aren't the Dodgers.

I miss 2012.

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